


I Hope My Smile Can Distract You

by TacoCat2020



Category: Swimming RPF
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst and Fluff and Smut, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Rehabilitation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-17
Updated: 2015-01-09
Packaged: 2018-03-01 20:33:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 40,843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2786783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TacoCat2020/pseuds/TacoCat2020
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Michael gets arrested for a DUI, he checks himself into rehab.  During his time away, he learns a lot about himself, faces his personal issues, and realizes that all along, there has been something, or rather, some<i>one</i> who has always helped him take his mind off of his problems. </p>
<p>Title comes from a line in the song "Pills"  by The Perishers</p>
<p>Author's Note:  This is a work of fiction.  I don't personally know any of the people that I write about.<br/>Trigger Warnings: Alcoholism, Depression</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It wasn’t supposed to happen this way.

Michael doesn't know when things got this bad. He can't put a finger on the exact moment when it all started to go downhill. Aside from the whole father walking out on the family and elementary school kids making fun of his ears and his lisp, he had a nice childhood. He had sisters who took care of him and defended him. He had a mother who protected him, who was as much a friend and confidant as a mom. He had a very successful career. He should be happy. The problem is, he's not happy, and he doesn't know why.

After London, he had been excited to be done. He was a rich, attractive, twenty-seven year old retiree. He could party all night and sleep all day if he wanted to. He could travel and go on dates. So that's what he did for a year or so. Then he started to get tired of that lifestyle. He missed his swimming friends. People around him started to notice that he was partying too much and drinking more than usual. He thought that if he started swimming again, it would take his mind off of everything else, and maybe get him off of the destructive path that he had started to head down. And it worked. For a little while. He started swimming again, did pretty well considering how long he was out of the water for. He got himself in better shape. He was smiling again. After Pan Pacs, there was a long break before competitions were going to start up again. Without having a competition to prepare for to keep his mind off of everything, things started to fall apart. He wasn't going to as many workouts as he should have, and he was starting to drink too much again.

_September 30, 2014_

Michael had just finished a tough workout. He left practice feeling great, if a bit sore. It was a good kind of sore. It was the kind he felt when he knew that he had pushed himself especially hard. He was tired, but was looking forward to a fun night ahead. He was planning to have a night out with a few of Jeff’s friends. Jeff was out of town at a poker tournament, but Michael had gotten to know some of his friends, and occasionally spent time with them even if Jeff wasn’t around. They were going to go to the new Horseshoe Casino in Baltimore. The plan was to have dinner, play a few rounds of blackjack, and maybe enjoy a beer or two. 

He looked for Allison on his way out of practice, but she had already left. Since Allison had started dating Conor, and Michael had gotten back together with his old girlfriend Nicole, he and Allison hadn’t had much time to spend together. He missed her, and was hoping that she’d want to join him. He swiped the lock screen on his phone, and called her.

“Hey, Mike!”, she answered cheerfully.

“Hey, Al!”, Michael said. “I’m sorry I missed you after practice. I was hoping to catch you on the way out.”

Allison yawned. “Sorry about that”, She said. “I left early. I’m so exhausted. It’s been a really long day.”

“Oh”, Michael said, sounding disappointed.

“Why, what’s up?”, Allison asked.

“It’s nothing…”, Michael began. “I just wanted to see if you wanted to join me for dinner tonight, maybe have some drinks. I’ll treat. But I mean, if you’re tired…”

Allison sighed. “Aw, Mike”, she said. “That sounds awesome. I’d love to hang out with you. We never hang out anymore and I miss you. I just really need to get some sleep. If I push myself when I’m already over-tired, I end up getting sick. Remember that awful cold i had a few months ago?…” she trailed off.

“Sure, Al”, Michael said, trying not to sound as disappointed as he felt. He really wanted to spend some time with her, but didn’t want to make her feel guilty. “We can hang out another time. I don’t want you to push yourself if you’re too tired.”

“Thanks for understanding, Mike”, Allison said sadly, as she yawned again. “I really am sorry.”

“Don’t be!”, Michael said cheerfully. “Well hang out soon.”

“For sure”, Allison replied. “Have fun, drive safely, and all that.”

“I will”, Michael promised.

“Good”, Allison said. “Love ya!”

“Love you more”, Michael said.

Michael hung up his phone. He was disappointed that Allison wasn’t up for coming out. He wanted to spend time with her and get her advice on some things that were on his mind. He hoped that they could do that soon. He was grateful for her friendship, and valued her opinion. She was always so good at getting him to look at a problem and work out a solution.

It had been a confusing few months. He was pleased with how his comeback was going so far, and he was still having a lot of fun. He knew he still had a lot more to work on, but was feeling good about the progress. Then there had been that thing with Ryan in Australia, and he still didn’t know what to think about that. After the Ryan incident, he got back together with Nicole. He had really been enjoying himself. Nicole was always so good to him, and got along well with his friends and family. He was happy to have her around again, but he couldn’t stop thinking about Ryan. Needless to say, he had a lot on his mind. All he wanted to do was have some fun with a few friends, enjoy a nice dinner and maybe have a couple drinks. That’s it.

What he didn’t plan on was completely fucking up everything he had worked so hard for and letting everyone down.

Michael arrived at the Horseshoe Casino on a Monday evening and met up with his friends. After dinner, they headed upstairs to a VIP card room. Michael heard the ding of his phone, alerting him to a new message.

 

**Nicole [6:22 PM]:** Miss you honey. What are you doing tonight?

**Michael [6:25 PM]:** Miss u 2. just finished dinner. I’m at horseshoe. blackjack and beers with the guys now.

**Nicole [6:29 PM]:** fun fun. be careful, ok?

**Michael [6:30 PM]:** I will. don’t worry.

**Nicole [6:33 PM]:** I’m serious mike. Please.

**Michael [6:35 PM]:** I’ll be fine. i promise. I’ll text u tonight b4 I go to bed. k?

**Nicole [6:38 PM]:** k. have fun. Love you.

**Michael: [6:39 PM]:** love you too. c u soon

 

He doesn’t remember much after that. He remembers losing money on quite a few hands. He remembers the first few beers. Everything else is a blur of voices and sirens and nausea.

 

_“Mike are you sure you want another beer?”_

_“Mike?”_

_“You okay to drive home, dude?”_

_“Are you sure you’re okay?”_

_“Nice to see you again Mr. Phelps. Come back soon!”_

_“Where are you coming from? How much have you had to drink? Are you able to stand on one foot? …under arrest”_

_“Sir, please wait here until someone arrives to pick you up.”_

_“Hello. I’m here to pick up my son, Michael.”_


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Picks up right where chapter 1 left off.

Michael’s thoughts were swirling around his head. He was coherent enough to feel ashamed about what had just happened. He knew that his actions that night were going to let so many people down. His family. Bob. Allison. Nicole. and Ryan. Ryan. He couldn’t stop thinking about Ryan, and everything that had happened between them at Pan Pacs in August.

_  
Flashback: August 2014, Gold Coast, Australia_

_Michael and Ryan were sitting at the bar in the hotel lobby, having a few drinks and talking after the day’s races. They had both swam in the 200 IM preliminaries that morning. Michael made it to the A Final, and Ryan narrowly missed being the second USA male, bumping him to the B Final. What really disappointed him, was that his time was so good, that he would have medaled had he been in the A Final._

_“I’m so sorry, dude. It really sucks”, Michael said. “If it’s any consolation, you swam really well, so you have that to be proud of.”_

_Ryan smiled. “Thanks, MP”, he said. “Want to hang out upstairs and maybe watch a movie or something?”_

_“Sure”, Michael said, as he followed Ryan up to his room._

_When they got up to Ryan’s hotel room, Ryan flopped down on the bed, and switched on the television. Michael stood on tiptoe to switch on the ceiling fan. In doing so, his t-shirt rode up a bit, and his jeans slipped lower on his hips. Ryan couldn’t help but look at the exposed strip of flat stomach that was staring him in the face._

_“Damn, MP!”, Ryan said approvingly. “Looking good! I think you need smaller pants though. I saw you trying to pull up your sweats on the medal stand today!”_

_Michael blushed. “Yeah…” he said. “lost the retirement weight.”_

_Ryan rolled his eyes. “Right”, he said, “because you were so huge before!”_

_Michael laughed, and laid down on the bed next to Ryan. “Hey!”, he protested, pretending to be offended, as he poked Ryan in his side. “Watch it!”_

_Ryan turned over to face Michael. He laughed. “I’m just teasing you, dude”, he said. “You look really good. Hot.”_

_Michael laughed again. “Thanks, Ry”, he said._

_Ryan moved closer to Michael, and put his hand under Michael’s shirt, and gently massaged his hip. He leaned over and gently kissed him._

_“Wait, Ry”, Michael said between breaths. “We’ve had a lot to drink…”_

_Ryan exhaled. “I don’t care”, he whispered. Then the kiss deepened, and one thing led to another…_

_***_

_Michael sighed happily, but he felt uneasy. He loved Ryan, but he wasn’t sure he was ready for the consequences that came along with admitting that._

_“Are you okay with what just happened, Mike?”, Ryan asked, interrupting Michael’s thoughts. “MP? Mike? Michael?”_

__

End of Flashback, September 2014: Baltimore Police Station, Baltimore MD

“Michael!”

“Michael”

“Michael! What the hell were you thinking?” Debbie’s voice brought Michael back to the present. She didn’t even look mad. She just looked… sad. Michael was sitting in a chair in the lobby of the Maryland transit police station. He was trying to piece together the events of the night. He had no idea exactly how much he had to drink, but considering how sick he felt, he figured that it was a lot. He could barely see straight and the room was spinning. His neck and back were sore. His stomach hurt. He looked up to meet his mother’s eyes. She looked so disappointed in him, and it broke his heart.

Michael blinked in an attempt to focus his vision. “Oh. Hi, Mom. Thanks for coming”, he said quietly.

Debbie sat down next to him and put a hand on his shoulder. “You’re welcome, sweetheart. I just wish you had called me sooner. I would have picked you up at Horseshoe. You know that.”

“I know. I’m sorry, Mom. I’m so sorry”, Michael said sadly.

Debbie sighed. “Let’s get you home”, she said, as she led him out to her car. They were both pretty quiet during the ride home. In that moment, Michael knew that Debbie’s silence was more telling than any lecture she could have given him.  


Debbie pulled up in front of Michael’s house. She finally broke the silence. “Twice the legal limit, Michael? What is going on with you? I feel like I don’t even know you anymore.”

Michael hung his head. “I’m sorry Mom. I’m sorry I’m such a fuck-up”

“Language, Michael”, Debbie admonished him, but she was smiling.

Michael blushed. “Sorry, Mom”, he said sheepishly.

Debbie smiled as she reached over and placed a hand on his shoulder. “You’re not a… ‘what you just said’”, she told him gently. “You are a talented, kind-hearted young man who sometimes makes really awful decisions. I’m upset about what you did, but I love you so much, Baby.”

“I love you too, Mom”, Michael said with a sigh, as he leaned over the center console of the car to kiss Debbie on the cheek. “Have I told you how sorry I am?”

Debbie laughed. “A few times, yeah”, she said. “Go have some water and get some sleep. We can talk more about this tomorrow”

Michael sighed. “Okay. Thanks, Mom. I love you.”

Debbie smiled sadly at him. “I love you too, Michael”, she said. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow.” She watched as Michael walked up the stairs to his apartment building. She was extremely disappointed in him, but was also beginning to worry about him. The excessive drinking had become a common occurrence, more so in the last few months than ever before, and she wasn’t sure if Michael had it under control. She turned the car back on, pulled out of the space, and cried the whole way home.

***

Michael went inside, and got a bottle of water out of the refrigerator. He went back into the living room and collapsed onto the couch. He doesn’t remember anything after that. The next morning, he woke up on the couch with a cramp in his neck and a throbbing headache.


	3. Chapter 3

Conor and Allison came in to the house. They had just taken a morning walk around the harbor. Conor saw Michael lying on the couch. “Hey, Man. Get off your lazy ass, and let’s move!”, he said cheerfully. “Allie and I are heading out for breakfast. You should join us!”

Michael groaned and struggled to sit up. He still felt sore from the previous day’s workout, now with the added bonus of a headache and a wave of nausea. The nausea was getting worse by the second. He didn’t want to tell Allison and Conor about the previous night. He just wanted everything to go away, even though he knew it was only a matter of time before everything was all over the news. “Noooo”, he moaned. “No food. Hangover. Everything hurts.”

Allison sat down next to him on the couch and touched his shoulder. “Again, Mike?” she asked. “You have to stop drinking like this. It’s getting out of control! How did you get home last night?”

Michael shook her off. “Go ‘way”, he mumbled.

“Are you okay?”, Allison asked softly, as she rubbed his back. “What’s going on? I’m worried about you.”

Michael looked down, unable to meet Allison’s eyes. He shook her off again. “I said I’m fine, Allie. Just fucking drop it!”, he snapped.

Allison looked hurt. She stood up and backed away. Conor glared at Michael and put his arm around Allison. “Wow. Okay”, she said, keeping her voice even. “Forgive me for trying to be a good friend.”

Conor looked angry. “Mike!” he said, his voice rising. “I don’t care how fucked up your life is. I don’t ever want to hear you talk to Allie like that again.”

Michael frowned and hung his head. He buried his face in his hands. “I’m so sorry”, he moaned, and he really did look sorry. He felt terrible for speaking to Allison that way, when all she had ever done was support him through all the stupid things he did. “Allie?”

Allison nodded. “It’s okay”, she whispered. “Don’t worry about it. Mike, what’s going on?”

Michael shook his head. “Nothing”, he said. “It’s nothing. I’m not… I’m okay. I don’t have a problem.”

Conor shook his head. “Mike. What the fuck is going on with you?” he asked, as he rubbed Allison’s back, and kissed the top of her head. “You haven’t been acting like yourself for a while now. Allie and I are both really worried about you.”

“Don’t fucking worry about it!”, Michael snapped. “I’m fine”

_  
Flashback: A few weeks earlier._

_Michael had the day off from training, and wasn’t sure how to spend the day. The problem with having a day or so off from training, meant that he didn’t have swimming to help him take his mind off of things. He had spent the weekend with Nicole, but once she went home, there was nothing left to do but think about Ryan._

_He went to a restaurant near his house, and sat at the bar. He had a few too many drinks, and walked home alone, stopping to throw up in a gutter. He didn’t think anything of it, and simply swore to himself he wouldn’t drink as much next time._

_He woke up the next morning with a headache, but didn’t think anything of it._

_His phone rang. It was Nicole. He picked it up. “Hey honey!”, he said groggily._

_“Hey!”, Nicole’s cheerful voice said. “Did I wake you?”_

_“No training today”, Michael said. “I figured I’d sleep in.”_

_“It’s late, Mike”, Nicole said gently. “even for a day off!”_

_“I’m feeling kind of sick today. It’s probably a stomach bug or something.”, Michael said nonchalantly. “Trying to sleep it off.”_

_Nicole sighed. “Mike, what’s going on?”, she asked, sounding concerned._

_“It’s nothing”, Michael said. “I’m fine. I probably just ate something I shouldn’t have.”_

_“Mike”, Nicole said. “You never get sick. What’s going on?”_

_Michael sighed. “Okay. It’s not a stomach bug. I had a lot to drink last night. It’s just a hangover, honey”, Michael said. “I’m okay.”_

_“Just a hangover?”, Nicole asked. “Mike, how much did you drink?”_

_“Not much”, Michael lied. “I’ve had a couple days off from training, so I just wanted to have some fun. Let loose a little bit. Okay?”_

_Nicole sighed again. “Okay…”, she said slowly. “Just as long as you’re taking care of yourself. You’d tell me if something was wrong, right?”_

_End of Flashback  
_

“Mike”, Conor said again. “What’s going on?”

“I’m sorry”, Michael said. “I just… I cant… deal with this right now. Please, just drop the subject.”  
Conor’s phone alerted him to a new news story. He looked at his phone. Then he looked at Michael. He sighed. “A DUI, Mike? Come on, man. You know better.”

“Mike”, Allie said, shaking her head. “Why didn’t you call one of us to come pick you up? You know better than this. Something is up with you.”

Michael shook his head. “It’s nothing”, he said again.

Conor looked at him carefully. “It’s not nothing, Mike”, he said. “Just a few weeks ago, you were really drunk, and I’ve never seen you so sick in all the years that I’ve known you. Seriously, dude. What’s up?”

Michael groaned and rolled his eyes. “What the fuck, guys?”, he snapped. “You both drink. No one jumps down your throat.”

Conor sighed. “We’re not the ones puking in gutters and blacking out”, he said softly.

Michael rolled his eyes. “So I get drunk a few times, and suddenly I’m the worst person in the world?”, he snapped. 

“That’s not what we’re saying, Mike”, Allison said gently, but urgently. She looked at her phone, and saw that another news alert came through about Michael. “Another alert”, she said softly.

Michael groaned. “Shit”, he mumbled. “I haven’t even had a chance to warn people yet, and now it’s everywhere.”

Allison was scrolling through Twitter on her phone. “It is”, she replied. “Ryan just released a statement about your dumb decisions”

“Nooooo”, Michael whined, burying his face in a pillow. The nausea was back. He felt something inside him twist in horrible ways. “Fuck. This sucks. I’m such an idiot.” 

“Well then. I guess Ryan is still pissed”, Conor said quietly. 

Allison looked confused. “Wait- pissed about what?” she asked. “Con, what’s going on? Did I miss something?”

“Ryan and Mike hooked up at PanPacs. Mike freaked out and ran away. It’s the same damn story all the time”, Conor explained, trying to hide a smile.

Allison looked confused. “Wait, Wait, Wait. Hold on a second. What about Nicole?”, Allison asked. “Isn’t that around the same time you got back together with her?”

“Exactly”, Conor said, nodding. “Mike and Ryan had their little… whatever the hell that was, then as per usual, Mike freaked out, and now he’s with Nicole.”  


“You guys, I’m sitting right here. You’re talking about me like I can’t hear you”, Michael said. “Neither of you know anything about what I’m going through with Ryan….and Nicole… and everything else. Please don’t try to pretend you do.”

“We’re just worried about you, dude”, Conor said. “You’ve been drinking a lot more than usual lately. We just want to be sure you’re not headed down that path.”

When Michael didn’t say anything, Allison looked at him. “Mike, are you okay? What’s going on?”, she asked quietly.

Michael shook his head. “It’s nothing. I had a few drinks. I didn’t plan on it getting out of hand”, he said with a shrug. “My workout was really tough yesterday. I wanted to have a little fun and blow off some steam.”

“It _is_ out of hand, dude”, Conor said. “You’re drinking all the time. You’ve been getting drunk a lot, often to the point of not knowing where you are or what you’re doing. You’re constantly drinking to the point where you make yourself sick. I’m you’re friend, and I’m really worried.”

Michael shook his head. “Really, it’s nothing. I made one bad decision. I have everything under control. It’s fine. Really.”

Allison’s expression turned serious. She looked at Michael, her eyes searching him. “I don’t think you do”, she said quietly. “You seem so… I guess I wouldn’t say sad. You just seem… lost… all the time. Is it the swimming? Are you getting tired of it? No one is going to judge you if you stop. You need to do what ever you think is right for you.”

Michael shook his head. “No”, he said. “Competing again, swimming with all of you… it’s exactly what I want these days. It makes me feel good. Swimming is my life. It’s the one thing that keeps me sane.”

“So what’s wrong?” Allison asked.

Michael looked down at his feet. “I don’t know”, he said sadly. “I’m sorry I don’t have a better answer for you.

“What happened last night?”, Allison asked gently. “After you got arrested, I mean. I think I can piece together everything before that.”

Michael looked up at her. “I just… I feel so stupid. When my mom came to pick me up last night… man, you should have seen the look on her face. She gave me the ‘Disappointed Debs’ look, and it killed me. I think that look is worse than any punishment that I’ll receive from the state or USA Swimming.”

Allison smiled, and laughed a little bit. She sat back down next to him on the couch., and put her arm around him. “Wow”, She said. “I love your mom, but… yeah. I don’t think I ever want to be on the receiving end of one of those looks.”

Michael finally cracked a smile. “Yeah. It was pretty rough”, he said. “I hate that I disappointed her. She’s so important to me, and I hate that I hurt her like that.”

“Your mother loves you, and so do we.”, Allison said softly, as she gently rubbed his back. “You’re going to get through this, I promise.”

Conor nodded. “Yeah, man. We’re your friends. We’ll help you. Everything will be okay.” He turned to Allison. “You ready, babe?”

Allison stood up. “Sure.” She looked at Michael carefully. “See you later, Mike. Call me if you want to talk.”

Michael nodded. Conor and Allison left for their breakfast date. Michael laid back down on the couch and pinched the bridge of his nose, and closed his eyes against the headache, that had only gotten worse since he’d been awake.


	4. Chapter 4

A little while later, Debbie let herself in to Michael’s house with Bob, Hilary, and Whitney in tow. Michael woke up from his nap, and rubbed his eyes. He sat up. “Hi…everybody…”, he said nervously.

“Hi Baby”, Debbie said, sitting down next to him, and putting an arm around him. Michael leaned on her shoulder. “How are you feeling?”

Michael sighed. “Pretty awful” he admitted. “My head hurts and I’m really nauseous. Bad hangover. What are you all doing here?”

“We need to talk to you”, Bob said. “because we all love you”

Michael groaned. “If this is a fucking intervention, I want you all to get the fuck out of my house”, he snapped. “I don’t have a problem.”

“Please don’t yell at us, Michael”, Debbie said calmly. “Just hear us out, okay?”

Michael looked embarrassed. “Sorry, Mom” he mumbled. “I’m sorry I yelled at you.” He stood up and gave her a hug, which she returned, and kissed his cheek. “Why are you all here?” he asked again.

“Don’t think of it as an intervention. We just want to talk to you”, Hilary said gently. “We all love you so much and we need to make sure you’re okay.”

Michael nodded. He tried to keep himself from rolling his eyes. “I’m fine. I promise. I made a terrible mistake last night, and I feel awful about it. It won’t happen again. End of story”

Debbie shook her head. “No, Michael. Not end of story. This is something we need to discuss. You’ve been drinking a lot lately, and we’re all really worried about you.”

Michael crossed his arms and looked away. “You said this isn’t an intervention” he mumbled. “Leave me alone. I’m fine. I can take care of myself.”

Next to him, Debbie was trying not to cry. “You can’t, Baby”, she said. “We’re not trying to gang up on you, we just want to make sure that you’re not headed down a destructive path.”

Whitney crossed the room and crouched down next to him. She rested a hand on his knee. “Mike, you’re drinking all the time, and that’s not good. You’ve been pushing yourself really hard lately. When you get stressed, you tend to drink a lot. If you’re worried about swimming, you shouldn’t be. You’ve been doing great. If you’re upset about something, alcohol isn’t going to solve that.” She looked up to meet his eyes. Michael gently touched her hand, his eyes glassy. “You seem so worn out, and you don’t even look like yourself.”, she continued.

Michael swallowed. “I’m sorry for letting everyone down”, he whispered. “I don’t think I know what I’m doing anymore” Debbie put her arm around his broad shoulders and squeezed. He leaned on her and buried his face on her shoulder.

Tears were streaming down Debbie’s cheeks. “It’s okay, Baby. It’s okay” she said as she rubbed his arm. “Whatever this is, we’re going to get you through it.”

 

***

 

After everyone left, Michael thought a lot about what everyone said. He hated that he hurt the people who cared so much for him. His phone alerted him that he had a new message.

 

**Nicole [3:45 PM]:** What the fuck?

**Michael [3:48 PM]:** I’m sorry.

**Nicole [3:53 PM]:** What’s going on with you?

**Michael [3:55 PM]:** I don’t know. I’m sorry.

 

His phone rang. He looked at the caller ID. It was Nicole. It made him feel like he had been punched in the stomach. He picked up his phone and swiped the screen to answer it. “Hey”, he said quietly.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”, Nicole asked. Michael could hear the sadness in her voice and it made his heart twist.

Michael sighed. “I didn’t want you to be mad”, he said softly. I’ve already disappointed so many people in the past 12 hours. I couldn’t bear to let you down too.”

“So you figured you’d wait for me to find out when it was all over the news?” Nicole asked. She sounded angry. The more people he hurt, the more upset it made him feel. Michael cared very deeply for the people closest to him, and it hurt him to know that he let them down. “It’s all over fucking Facebook, and my phone won’t stop ringing!”, Nicole continued. “What the fuck is going on with you?”

“I’m sorry”, Michael said. He was beginning to feel like his apologies didn’t carry much weight anymore. “I love you so much, and I was afraid of disappointing you. I’m so sorry, honey.”

Nicole sighed. She stopped yelling. Her voice was quiet, and almost eerily calm. Michael wasn't sure if that was better or worse than the yelling. “I’m coming out there to see you", she said. "I don’t like the idea of you being alone through this, whatever _this_ is. I’ll see if I can get a flight for sometime tomorrow”

Michael sighed, and his heart sank a little bit. “Yeah, okay. He said sadly. It will be nice to see you. I really miss you. Let me know what time you think you’ll get here.”

Michael pressed the “end call”, button, and swiped over to his messages. He decided to text Ryan.

**Michael [4:35 PM]:** Hey man. hope all is well. would love to chat! Come to Bmore soon!

 

Ryan didn’t reply.


	5. Chapter 5

Allison and Conor were sitting in Allison’s living room, chatting. Allison’s feet were in Conor’s lap, and he was absentmindedly massaging them while they talked. Conor hadn’t said much, and Allison wanted to get him talking.

“What’s wrong, Con?”, Allison asked. “Are you worried about Mike?”

Conor nodded. “Yeah”, he said. “Something’s up with him. I don’t know what it is. I’m beginning to think he has a problem with drinking. I think it's a lot more serious than him just getting drunk. I wish he would let us help him.”

“Yeah. I wish he wasn’t so afraid to ask for help”, Allison said. “I don’t know what’s going on with him, but I want to do something.”

When Conor didn’t respond, Allison studied him carefully. “Is there something else on your mind?”, she asked.

“Allie, I have to tell you something”, Conor said slowly.

Allison studied him carefully. “Sure”, she said. “What’s up?”

Conor looked at her, and softly rubbed her knee. “I’m going to be doing a little bit of traveling for a while to visit friends and family”, he told her. “I’m going to train with a couple other clubs for a few months. I just need to get out of Baltimore. I need a change of scenery. It’s not just about Mike. It’s something that I’ve been wanting to do for a while, and now seems as good a time as any…”

Allison nodded. “Okay”, she said quietly. “You’re um… you’re coming back, right? Everyone is leaving me. I don’t want to lose you too…”

Conor grabbed Allison’s hands. “Oh, sweetie, no!” he said. “You’re not going to lose me. I just need to take a break from everything going on around here. I’ll be back soon.”

Allison nodded. “Okay”, she said, as she leaned over to kiss him. “I just wanted to make sure. Too many people are leaving. It sucks.”

Conor smiled warmly at her and took her hand in his. “You should come with me!”, he said. “Think of how much fun it would be to go away together!”

Allison shook her head. “I can’t”, she said. “I’d love to travel with you, and we should do that soon. It’s just that now isn’t the right time. I have to leave for Germany soon for an Adidas photoshoot, anyway.”

“Oh. Right.”, Conor said. “I’m so excited for you. Are you bringing your laptop? We should Skype while we’re both traveling.”

“Definitely”, Allison agreed. “Though I plan on kicking it old school too. I’m going to send you so many post cards.”

Conor smiled and rolled his eyes. “Of course you are”, he said, leaning over to give her a kiss. 

***

Michael was physically and emotionally drained from the events of the past couple of days. He still hadn’t heard from Ryan. He decided to take another nap. He felt like all he had done lately was sleep.

He woke up a few hours later, and didn’t feel any better than he did before his nap. The stress was beginning to get unbearable.

After many discussions with Bob, Debbie, Drew, and the USA Swimming officials, it was decided that Michael would be suspended from competition for six months, and wouldn’t be allowed to compete at Worlds the following summer. While Michael understood that it was the right thing, it still felt like rubbing salt in an already open wound.

Michael stood up and walked into the kitchen. He opened his refrigerator, and pulled out a beer. He crossed the kitchen to look for a bottle opener. He couldn’t find one. It was a mundane moment like that that sent him over the edge. The frustration that he had been feeling and bottling up came tumbling out. He was upset about his feelings for Ryan. He missed Ryan. He felt guilty for not telling Nicole about Ryan. He was upset about getting the DUI. He realized in that moment that he had a problem, and it was too big for him to handle on his own.

He stood in his kitchen for a moment, unsure of what to do. His mouth tasted like acid. He felt the sobs coming, hot and wet at the back of his throat. He put the bottle on the counter and sank down on the kitchen floor and cried.


	6. Chapter 6

By the next night, Michael had done a lot of thinking, and with a push from his publicity team, he had come to a decision about his situation. He had spoken to Drew that morning, and plans were in place. He wanted to talk to his family and friends about everything. He asked them all to come to his house so he could talk to them. Nicole had arrived that afternoon. Ryan still hadn’t called. 

He was sitting in his living room surrounded Debbie, Whitney, Hilary, Bob, Conor, Allison, and Nicole.

Michael looked at the faces of everyone that he loved. He tried not to notice that Ryan wasn’t there among them. He hadn’t tried to call Ryan again, or even explain what was going on. He just hoped that Ryan had somehow read his mind across the miles between them. He wished that Ryan had known what was going on and how badly Michael wanted to see him. His stomach was churning, and his heart was pounding. He still felt sick, and wasn’t sure if it was because he was the victim of the dreaded two-day hangover, or if he was nervous or if it was something else.

Everyone was looking at him expectantly. “What’s going on, Michael?”, Debbie asked, looking very concerned. “Why did you ask us all to come over here?”

Michael felt a tightness in his chest and he was sure that it was his heart, actually breaking in half. He looked at Debbie, and squeezed her hand, and then looked at everyone else. “I um… I just want to thank you all for taking care of me the past couple days. I’m really lucky to have all of you, even though I don’t deserve you. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking since the other night. I know that I have a lot of problems, and I really need to try to sort them out. I called Drew this morning and he helped me find a treatment program that I think will help me. It’s in Arizona. I um… I leave on Sunday.”

“Rehab?”, Bob asked him.

Michael paused. “Well… yes and no”, he said. “To be honest, I don’t really know what’s wrong with me. This program is supposed to help me figure out how things from my past have influenced my present. Then when they know what I need help with, which, let’s be honest, alcohol is a big part of that, they go from there. I mean, I guess. That’s what I took from what Drew told me.”

Bob nodded. “Okay”, he said.

“Is this really what you want?”, Hilary asked him gently.

Michael nodded. “There’s- There’s something wrong with me. I can’t do it alone anymore, and I don’t want any of you to carry the burden of taking care of me. I think I need to get some professional help. I need to get away for a while, and try to figure some things out.”

Hilary nodded. Bob, Whitney, Conor, and Allison smiled at him. Debbie put her arm around him. “I’m proud of you, Michael”, she said. “If this is what you want for yourself, we’ll all support you.”

Bob stood up and walked over to the couch. He looked at Michael and put his hand on his shoulder. “Good for you, Michael”, he said. “I think this is one of the best choices you’ve ever made. Except of course for choosing to train under me.” He smiled.

Michael rolled his eyes, and smiled a little bit. “Patting yourself on the back, a little bit, huh, Coach?” he said snarkily, but good-naturedly.

“Of course!”, Bob said, laughing and rolling his eyes. He paused. Then added sincerely, and a bit gruffly, “I love you, kid.”

Michael smiled. “I love you too, Bob”, he said. “And thank you. Oh, hey! I’m going to do some swimming while I’m there too. The website says that they have a pool, and plenty of allotted workout times throughout the day.”

“That’s great, Michael”, Bob said, nodding. “I’m glad that you’re going to be able to swim, but don’t drive yourself crazy with the training. It’s more important for you to take care of your health.”

Michael nodded. “I agree”, he said. “but I do think that swimming will help with my mental state.”

“Okay”, Bob said, carefully. His frown curled into a smile. “Then, I approve! You’re a good kid, Michael. You’re going to be okay.”

Michael gave Bob a hug. “Thanks, Bob”, he said with a smile.

Nicole was the only person who hadn't reacted. She had started to cry as she stood up and walked over to where Michael was sitting. 

He stood up and faced her. He was trying not to cry himself. “Are you mad?”, he asked. “Please don’t be mad.”

Nicole shook her head and wiped away a tear. “No”, she said. “You’re doing the right thing. You need to do whatever it takes to get better. I love you, Mike.”

“I love you too”, Michael said, as he put his arms around her. He held her close, and scrubbed his hand along his face, trying to rid his eyes of the tears.

Nicole stared at her feet. “I love you so much, Mike, and I’m very proud of you. I just think we need to take some time apart”, she said quietly. “I want you to take care of yourself. I want you to focus on your treatment. Do your best, and come back to me stronger than ever, okay?”

Michael nodded. He hugged her tightly. “Okay”, he whispered. “Thank you for everything. I mean it. Do you want to stay here for a couple days?”

She shook her head. “No, I should go”, she said. “I’ll see you soon, okay?” She hugged him and kissed his cheek. Then she said goodbye, and left.


	7. Chapter 7

A few days later, on the night before Michael was set to leave, Debbie was helping him pack for his six weeks away. Bob was there, and was trying to be supportive of both of them. Michael had been very quiet for the past few days. Debbie was trying not to cry. She knew that Michael was making a good decision about getting help, but part of her wished that he wasn’t going to be so far away. She still thought of him as her little boy, and she was worried about him.

Michael finished folding a shirt, and placed it in his suitcase. He absentmindedly fidgeted with a few things on his desk, and ignored his phone as it continued to buzz on the nightstand.

Bob put his arm around Debbie and led her out of the room. “He’s going to be okay, Debbie”, he said softly. “I told him last night that I think that this might be the best decision he’s ever made.”

Debbie nodded. “I know”, she said, “I know he needs to get some help, but I don’t like the idea of him being so far away from home. He’s not a little kid anymore, but he’s still my baby. I want to take care of him. I feel like ever since I picked him up at the police station the other night, he’s just completely shut down. He’s not eating. He’s not sleeping. He just wanders around the house aimlessly, with his eyes glazed over.”

“I know you’re worried, Debbie”, Bob said gently, “but I think a change of scenery will be good for him. He does seem a little lost right now, but hopefully this program will help him find whatever it is that he’s searching for.”

Debbie nodded. “Thank you for being here tonight”, she said.

“You’re welcome, Debbie”, Bob said gently. “I’ll do anything for you and your family. You know that.”

Debbie smiled. “Yes, I know”, she said. “You’re a part of this family. You’ve done so much for not just myself and Michael, but all of us, especially with Fred not around.”

 

***

 

The following morning, Debbie woke up in the guest room at Michael’s apartment. Michael’s flight was leaving in just a few short hours. He was in his room doing some more last minute packing. He hadn’t slept all night.

Debbie lightly knocked on the door. “Michael”, she called softly.

Michael opened the door. “Good Morning, Mom”, he said with a yawn.

Debbie studied him carefully. “Are you ready to leave, sweetie? It’s time.”

Michael nodded. He picked up his luggage, and closed the door to his bedroom. “I’m ready”, he said.

Debbie drove Michael to the airport. He barely said a word for the entire drive. Debbie pulled up in front of the terminal. The two of them sat in the car for a long time. “Are you okay, sweetie?”, Debbie asked.

Michael shook his head. “No”, he said honestly. “but I will be. Thanks, Mom. I’m so sorry about everything.

“Don’t apologize, sweetie”, Debbie said gently. “just do your best with your treatment, and stay strong.”

Michael leaned over the center console and kissed Debbie on the cheek. “Thanks, Mom", he said sadly. "I’m not allowed to use the phone until after my first week, but I’ll call you as soon as I can.”

“Whenever you can, Michael. Don’t worry about it”, Debbie said.

Michael smiled. “I love you, Mom”, he said.

“Love you too, sweetie”, Debbie said. “Have a safe flight”

 

***

Later that afternoon, Michael arrived at the airport in Arizona. There was a car waiting to take him to the treatment center. The drive over there was long. This place was in the middle of nowhere. The long ride gave him a lot of time to think. He got out of the car, carried his luggage inside, and checked in. He went to his room to drop of his luggage, then went into the lobby to wait to meet his case manager. He was sitting on one of the couches in the waiting area, twiddling his thumbs. His leg was bouncing up and down. He couldn’t remember a time in his life when he was more nervous than he was at that moment. He felt like he was going to throw up.

A pretty girl in her late twenties or early thirties entered the waiting area. Her long blonde hair was pulled back in a ponytail. She greeted him with a friendly smile. “Hi Michael”, she said warmly. “My name is Lauren Collins. I’m going to be overseeing your case while you’re here with us.”

“Hi”, Michael said quietly. He stood up. He reached out to shake her hand, but ended up giving her a hug instead, practically knocking her small frame over with the impact. He paused. “I’m sorry”, he said, blushing. Was that weird?”

Lauren laughed lightly as she returned the hug, and gently rubbed his back. “Not at all”, she said with a smile. “I like people who hug.”

“I don’t know what I’m doing”, Michael admitted, his voice catching on his words.

Lauren sat down on the couch and invited him to join her. He sat down next to her. She turned to him and smiled. “You admitted that you needed some help”, she said gently. “That’s an excellent first step.”

Michael nodded. “I don’t know how to fix everything I screwed up, but I really want to try”, he said.

Lauren gently touched his arm. “You can start by coming to group therapy tonight”, she said. “You’ll meet some of the other residents. It will help you to talk to people who are in different stages of the process. Some are starting today, just like you. Others have been here longer, and some are getting ready to leave this week.”

Michael shuddered. “I have to talk to a group?” he asked shakily. “Can’t I just do one on one sessions? Please?”

Lauren shook her head. “That’s not how it works, Michael”, she said. “You’re going to be working with all kinds of methods throughout your program.”

“Oh. Okay”, Michael said hesitantly. “Yeah, that makes sense. Sorry. I…”

Lauren smiled. “Michael, why don’t you take a break before we get started?”, she suggested. “You’ve had a long trip, and I think it will help you to relax for a little while.”

Michael nodded. “Okay. Thanks”, he said. “I um… can I go to the pool for a little while?” he asked. “I just want to clear my head.”

“Of course”, she said. “I’ll be in my office. We can meet there in say, an hour? We can start talking about your treatment plan.”

“Okay”, Michael said. “Thank you, Lauren.”

Michael went to his room and took a pair of board shorts out of his suitcase. He walked down to the locker room, changed, and went to the pool. He tied the drawstring on his shorts as he walked along the pool deck. He inhaled, taking in the smell of chlorine. 

For the first time in a week, he felt calm. He dove in and swam a few laps up and down the length of the pool. As it had been since he was very young, the water had calming, therapeutic effects for him. After a few laps, he hoisted himself out of the pool. He sat down on the edge of the pool, and dipped his feet in. He took a deep breath. He propped his elbows on his knees, and dug the heels of his hands into his eyes.

He wasn't sure how long he had been sitting there, when he sensed movement next to him. Someone was sitting next to him.

“Hey”, the voice said. “I’m Tom”

Michael looked up. “I’m Michael”, he said.

Tom smiled. “I know who you are”, he said, nodding, as he gently nudged Michael’s shoulder.

Michael smiled weakly and nodded. “Yeah, I guess you do”, he said quietly.

“What’re you in for?” Tom asked, conversationally, as he leaned over and absentmindedly ran one of his hands through the water.

Michael blinked. He shrugged. “Stuff”, he mumbled, not wanting to get into all of the details with this random stranger. 

“You don’t say a lot, do ya?”, Tom asked.

Michael shrugged. This guy seemed friendly enough, but Michael still wasn’t sure he wanted to get into the details of the past few weeks. He liked to try to keep his private life private. At the same time, he knew that he’d have to open up to people while in the program. He knew he had to start somewhere. “I don’t know what to say”, he admitted softly. He felt like he was going to start crying again, and didn’t want to do that in front of someone he’d known for all of two minutes.

“Okay. Well, I’ll see you around, Mike”, Tom said, as he stood up to leave.

“Wait”, Michael said. “I’m sorry if I was rude. I just got here today and I’m lonely and kind of scared… I don’t know what I’m doing.”

Tom sat back down. He gave Michael a warm, friendly smile. “Listen, dude”, he said carefully, as if he was thinking over his words as he spoke. “I’m about halfway through my program. I don’t know your situation or the whole story about why you’re here, but I can tell you that you’re going to be okay. I won’t lie to you. It’s going to be tough. You’re going to have to deal with things that you thought you had buried. You’re going to face emotions and feelings that you didn’t know you were capable of. All I can tell you is that it will be worth it. I was actually really against coming here at first. Some people that I love talked me into it. I’ve been here 3 weeks and I already feel better than I’ve felt in years.”

Michael smiled. “Thanks” he said. “and, um… Good for you. You seem really happy, and I hope I can find that while I’m here”

Tom smiled back. “You’re welcome”, he said. “Is there anything else you want to know?”

“How’s the food?” Michael asked. “I try to eat pretty healthy most of the time, but I also really love food, so I like treats too. Chocolate is my weakness.” He grinned sheepishly.

Tom laughed. “I love food too”, he said. “You won’t go hungry. You can tell your case manager and the nutritionist what you want and they’ll work with you to create a meal plan that meets your needs. The brownies are really good. So just, keep that in mind.” 

Michael laughed. “I love brownies!”, he said with a smile. “So, what about, like, free time? If I just want to hang out in my room or work out or take a walk or something, will there be time set aside for that?”

“You’ll have plenty of allotted free time throughout the day to work out or really do whatever you want”, Tom said with a nod.

“Cool”, Michael said. “Thanks”

Tom nodded as he stood up. “No problem, dude”, he said. “Are you scheduled for group therapy tonight?”

Michael looked up. He shook his head. “I am, but I don’t think I’m going to come”, he said. “I don’t think I’m ready to face a bunch of strangers.”

“You should think about it”, Tom said. “I was against it when they first made me go, but It really does help. See you later, Mike.”

“Bye”, Michael said. He watched Tom walk towards the locker room, and was left alone again, thinking over Tom’s words.

 

***

 

After his swim, Michael took a shower then went back to Lauren’s office. There was a doctor sitting in the office with her.

“Good Afternoon, Michael”, Lauren said with a smile. “Have a seat”

Michael sat down and faced Lauren and the doctor. “Hi”, he said quietly, his voice shaking.

“Michael, this is Dr. Barnes. We’re just going to ask you a few questions so we can figure out how to proceed with your treatment.”

“Hi Michael”, Dr. Barnes said. “How are you today?”

Michael shrugged. “Okay, I guess”, he said. 

Dr. Barnes and Lauren both studied him carefully. “Michael”, Lauren began. “We took a look at your file this morning, we’ve been talking. Alcohol addiction is a very serious disease, but…”

“I’m not addicted”, Michael interrupted.

“Alcoholism is a very serious disease”, Dr. Barnes continued. “but throughout your program, we can work with you and give you the tools to get it under control and get your life back.”

“I’m not addicted”, Michael said again.

Dr. Barnes sighed. “Michael, your intake paperwork says that you’ve had difficulty controlling your drinking lately. You’ve been getting sick, blacking out, and you were recently arrested for a DUI. Is that correct?”

Michael nodded. “Yeah”, he said. “but I’m not addicted. I just need help making better choices.”

Lauren shook her head. “Michael, everything that you’ve been telling us is a symptom of alcoholism. Tell me, what happens on days when you haven't had a drink?”

Michael paused. Suddenly it hit him. “I um… I usually feel pretty sick. I get really shaky. Sometimes I have trouble sleeping.”

Dr. Barnes nodded. “Okay”, he said. “Those are common withdrawal symptoms. When do you usually drink?”

Michael shrugged. “Sometimes at dinner or while I’m watching TV”, he said. After a pause he added, “Lately I’ve been drinking as a way to cheer myself up a little bit. I’ve been having kind of a rough time for a few months, so sometimes I drink a little bit to feel better. I had a lot on my mind last Monday, and I had a tough day at practice. That’s when I went out to the casino, and had a few drinks, then got arrested.”

Lauren and Dr. Barnes exchanged a glance. Dr. Barnes looked at Michael’s paperwork on the desk. Under “Diagnosis”, he checked off “Alcohol Abuse”


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This Chapter focuses on Allison's reaction to her best friend being far away, and her desire to help him.

Back in Baltimore, Allison was trying to concentrate on her training. Yannick had already left to go back home to France. Matt would be leaving for South Carolina in a few days. Conor had left that morning to spend some time traveling and training all over the country. He had said that he wanted a change of scenery. Allison tried to understand that, but she already missed him, and wasn’t exactly sure when he was going to be back. Tom, Jess, and Lotte were around, and Allison was grateful for their company, but she still felt lonely. She was worried about Michael. She hadn’t seen him since the day he told everyone that he was going away. After that, he had turned off his phone, and kept his distance from everyone. That was another thing that Allison was trying to understand. She knew that it was the right thing for Michael, but she missed having him around, and wished that he hadn’t gone so far away.  


She finished her sets and headed for the locker room. After she changed, she walked towards the door to the parking lot. On her way out, she ran into Lotte.

“Hey, girl!”, Lotte said with a smile. “Tom and Jess invited us out for pizza. Let’s go!”

Allison smiled and shook her head. “I can’t tonight”, she said. “I have a few things I need to do. I’ll see you at home later, though.”

Lotte nodded. “Okay”, she said. “See you later!” She took off down the hall, and met up with Tom and Jess who were waiting for her outside.

Allison looked at some of the pictures hanging on the wall outside of Bob’s office. She smiled at the memories. She dropped her gaze on a picture of her and Michael in London, the one of them on the bus ride back to the Olympic village. They were sitting close together and holding up their gold medals and smiling. It was one of her favorite pictures. It brought back so many memories of their time in London, and it reminded her of the closeness that they shared. Sometimes she wondered how things would be different if she hadn’t started dating Conor and if Michael wasn’t… well, if he wasn’t completely terrified of anything resembling commitment. She wondered if maybe they could have… She tried to avoid thinking about things like that.

“You miss him, huh?”, Bob’s voice behind her caught her by surprise, and disrupted her thoughts.

Allison nodded. “Have you talked to him?”, she asked quietly, her eyes not leaving the picture on the wall.

Bob lightly touched her arm. “I saw him the night before he left for Arizona”, Bob said gently. “It was… a really hard night. He’s in rough shape, kiddo.”

Allison nodded. “I know… I saw him the day after the DUI. He- He didn’t even look like himself. He seemed so… tired and out of it. I’m worried that he’s falling apart.”

“He’s a fighter, Allison. You know that. It’s going to take a lot of self-reflection and hard work, but he’s going to figure out a way to get through this.”

Allison took a deep breath. She still felt awful about everything that was happening with Michael. She felt guilty about not wanting to go out the night he invited her to spend time with him. She wondered what would have happened if she could have stopped him from getting in his car that night. 

“Bob, I need to tell you something”, she said. “It’s something bad. If I tell you, will you promise not to get mad at me?”

“Of course I won’t get mad at you, Allison”, Bob said gently. “You can talk to me about anything. Let’s go into my office so we can have some privacy.”

Allison nodded, and followed Bob into his office. She closed the door behind her and they both sat down. Bob sat at his desk, and Allison sat in one of the chairs facing the desk. She had no idea how to tell him what was on her mind. She had no idea how to tell him that she was convinced that Michael’s situation was her fault.

Bob smiled at her. “What do you want to tell me?”, he asked gently, his eyes searching.

Allison swallowed. “It’s my fault”, she said quietly. “It’s my fault he got drunk. It’s my fault he tried to drive himself home. It’s my fault everything is so fucked up.”

“Allison, none of this is your fault”, Bob said gently. “What would ever make you feel like it is?” he asked.

Allison looked up to meet Bob’s eyes. “Mike and I haven’t really been spending much time together lately”, she said shakily. “It’s not like we had a fight or a falling out or anything. It’s just that we’ve both been so busy, and haven’t really had time for each other… He called me that night and invited me to hang out with him. I was really over-tired, and I wasn’t feeling well, so I said no. He seemed so disappointed, but I didn’t think anything of it. I figured that he and I would just catch up another time. I wish I hadn’t said no. I should have gone out with him instead of ordering a pizza and alternating between watching crappy movies and napping. Maybe if I had been there with him…” She trailed off.

“Maybe if you had been there… what?” Bob asked.

Allison sighed. She wiped away a tear, and took a deep breath in an attempt to steady her shaking voice. “Maybe if I had been there, I could have stopped him. I could have driven him home. I should have been there for him. He needed me and I let him down.”

“Allison”, Bob began. “You can’t blame yourself. There is nothing you could have done. I don’t think there’s anything that any of us could have done. Even if he hadn’t gotten in his car that night, there’s still something going on that would have come to the surface even if he didn’t get the DUI. I’m not qualified to diagnose what’s happening with him, but if it is an addiction issue, which it very well may be… it’s a very serious disease. It’s not something that could have been stopped by you being there. Michael has a lot of things that he needs to work on. That’s why he’s getting help.”

Allison nodded. “I know”, she said. “I just… I wish I could help him too.”

Bob stood up, and walked around his desk. He sat in the chair next to Allison and put his arm around her. “I know you do, kid. You’re a good friend to him. Don’t think even for a second that he doesn’t appreciate you and all that you’ve done for him. You’re an important part of each other’s lives, and he loves you very much.”

Allison turned to face Bob. “He’s my best friend”, she said quietly. “I’ll do anything to make sure that he’s okay.”

Bob smiled at her. “I know you will. You’ve always been so good at taking care of everyone and making sure that those around you are happy. Just don’t forget to focus on someone else who’s very important. Yourself.”

Allison nodded. “Yeah, I know”, she said. “I need to work on that. Thanks, Bob.”

“Any time, Kiddo. Go home and get some rest, okay?”, Bob said, with a slight twinkle in his eyes. “You have a tough workout ahead of you tomorrow.”

Allison laughed. “I knew I couldn’t get out of here without at least one swimming lecture”, she said with a roll of her eyes.

Bob laughed too. “You think that was a lecture?” he asked, smiling and shaking his head. “That was nothing! But if you want a lecture…”

Allison shook her head vigorously and backed away as she burst out laughing. “I’m all set with that, Bob”, she said. “See you tomorrow. And thanks.”

“Have a good night, Allie”, Bob said kindly. “Get some rest, okay?”

“I will”, she said. “See you tomorrow, Bob.” Allison walked out to her car, and started to head drive down the street. She wanted to make a stop on the way home. There was someone that she needed to see.

She pulled up in front of Debbie’s house, got out of her car, and walked up to the front door. Debbie was sitting on the porch swing, reading. When she looked up and saw Allison, she smiled.

“Hi, honey!”, Debbie said cheerfully. She stood up to give Allison a hug. When she released Allison from her embrace, she held her at arm’s length, and gasped. “Oh, you look so beautiful, sweetheart”, she said.

Allison laughed. “Thanks, Debbie”, she said. “That’s really nice of you to say, considering that my hair is a mess and I just came from a tough workout and I smell like chlorine, even after a long shower.”

Debbie smiled warmly at her. “Nonsense”, she said. “You’re stunning. Now what brings you here on this beautiful fall afternoon?”

Allison shifted her weight from one foot to the other. She looked down. “I- I’ve just been thinking about you. I wanted to see how you were doing.”

Debbie smiled. Her eyes were shining. Without saying a word, she wrapped Allison in another big hug and kissed her on the cheek. Allison hugged her back.

“Are you hungry, sweetie?”, she asked after she let Allison go.

Allison smiled and nodded. “Starving”, she said. “Bob pushed me really hard today, and I forgot to bring a snack with me to have between sets. I really worked up an appetite today!”

“Well, I’ve been cooking all day, and you know that I have plenty of experience feeding swimmers!”, Debbie said with a wink and a smile. “Come inside and have dinner with me.” She put her arm around Allison and led her into the house.

Allison smiled. “Thank you, Debbie”, she said. “That would be wonderful. It smells delicious! Are you sure you have enough?”

“Of course!”, Debbie said. “I always make a lot more than I need, just in case Hilary and Doug drop by or if Whitney brings the kids over. If Michael were home, he likes to come over after practice some nights. If they don’t come over, I just freeze the leftovers. So yes, I have plenty!”

Allison hesitated. “Well… okay”, she said with a smile. “If you insist!”

The two of them sat down at Debbie’s kitchen table. Debbie had prepared a chicken pot pie, and loved to share her cooking. She was thrilled to have company for the evening. She put a heaping serving on a plate and handed it to Allison. 

Allison’s eyes lit up as she took the plate. “Thank you, Debbie!”, she exclaimed, and dug into her dinner and took a big bite. Across the table, Debbie poured herself and Allison each a glass of Apple Cider. 

“So, how is he?”, Allison asked, breaking the silence.

Debbie looked at her, and Allison immediately noticed the sadness in her eyes. “I don’t know, sweetie”, she said softly. “He’s been gone since Sunday, but according to the rules of his program, he won’t be able to talk on the phone until after his first week. He promised to call me, as soon as he can though, so of course I’ll let you know when I get an update.”

Allison smiled. “Thanks, Debbie. When you talk to him, will you tell him that I really miss him and that I hope he’s doing okay?”

Debbie smiled back at her. “Of course I will, sweetie. I know he misses you very much too. I’m sure he’d love to hear from you, so once he can receive calls, you can call him if you want. I’ll give you the number when I have it.”

After dinner, the two of them went into the living room and reminisced about past Olympics, and looked at pictures. Debbie had ordered print copies of some of many of the digital photos that everyone collected over the years.

Allison burst out laughing when she came to a picture from the London Games of Michael and Ryan hugging while Conor looked on, making a face at them, apparently feeling left out of the hug.

Debbie glanced over Allison’s shoulder at the picture. She laughed too. “Handsome boys”, she said with a nod.

Allison nodded in agreement. “They look great”, she said. She smiled when she looked at Conor’s face, and her cheeks turned pink. “I love the look on Conor’s face.”

Debbie laughed. “He looks so left out”, she said, shaking her head. “I just wish Michael would realize how he feels about Ryan. Look at how those two look at each other.”

Allison laughed, but didn’t say anything. She wasn’t sure how much Debbie knew about Michael’s situation with Ryan, and didn’t want to mention anything that Michael wasn’t ready for her to know. Allison was one of his best friends and wasn’t even sure that she knew what was going on. Michael could be so secretive.

Debbie looked at the picture in her own hand and smiled. “Allie”, she said softly, “look at this one, honey.”

She showed Allison a picture of her and Michael at the Golden Goggles a few years earlier. Allison was standing behind Michael, with her arms wrapped around his waist. He had his hands on top of hers and was leaning into her, while they both smiled.

“Aww…”, Allison said, remembering how much fun the two of them had together that night. “This one is so cute.”

“Keep it”, Debbie said softly. 

Allison smiled. “Thanks, Debbie”, she said. “That means a lot to me. I love this picture.”

Debbie nodded. “I do too”, she said. “You both look so happy in that picture. You always make him smile, you know.”

Allison smiled. “He makes me really happy too”, she said softly.

“I’m glad you two have each other”, Debbie said. “Whenever he was upset about another one of his relationships ending, or if he was worried about one of his races, you were always there for him. You motivate him to work hard.” She paused to wipe away a tear. She was struggling to find the words that she wanted to use. “Allie, it’s because of you that he held it together for so long. He loves you so much, sweetheart. He’s so lucky to have you in his life.”

Allison smiled at Debbie, and stood up to join her on the couch. She at down and leaned linked her arm with Debbie’s and leaned on her shoulder. “I’m lucky too”, she said softly. “I’m lucky to have all of you as my Baltimore family.”

Debbie smiled and kissed the top of Allison’s head. “We love having you too, sweetheart”, she said. “You’re an honorary Phelps.”

After a while, Allison got up to leave. “Debbie, thank you so much for dinner. It was wonderful.”

“You’re welcome, sweetheart”, Debbie said, giving Allison a hug and leading her to the door. “Thank you for spending the evening with me. Have a good training session tomorrow.”

Allison smiled and let out a small laugh. “Thank you, Debbie”, she said. “It’s going to be a tough one”

“You’re going to do great!”, Debbie said. “Now go home and get some sleep. You need to be well-rested for a Bowman workout session.”

Allison laughed. “That’s for sure!”, she said. “Thanks, Debbie.”

Debbie gave Allison another hug and kissed her on the cheek. “You’re welcome, sweetie. Thank you for coming over. Please visit me any time.”

“I will”, Allison promised. “Good night, Debbie.”

Debbie smiled. “Good Night, Allie”, she said.

Allison opened the door to leave, and Debbie closed it behind her and smiled. Allison’s visit made her feel better after the difficult week that she had. Allison felt better after her visit with Debbie too. She was happy that she was able to make Debbie smile, and spending time with Michael’s family made her feel closer to Michael while he was so far away.


	9. Chapter 9

After Michael finished his first week of treatment he was allowed to use the phone during the day. He called Debbie to check in with her.

Debbie answered on the first ring. “Hi sweetie!”, she said.

Michael fiddled with the phone cord and stared down at his feet. “Hey, Mom”, he said quietly. “I really miss you.”

“I miss you too, sweetie”, Debbie said. “How are you feeling?”

Michael took a deep breath. “I’m okay”, he said. “The people here are really nice. The food is good. I’ve even been working out a lot. I like the pool here. I’ve been swimming almost every day.”

“That’s wonderful, Michael”, she said. “How is the program going?”

“It’s… actually, it’s really good”, Michael said. “My therapist’s name is Lauren. She’s awesome. She’s very easy to talk to. She helps me talk about things that are hard, and lets me work through them. I have to go to group therapy every night after dinner, and at first it was weird and uncomfortable, but now I’m getting to know some of the guys in the group. It’s been a little hard, but I like it here. People are nice.”

“I’m glad, baby”, Debbie said. “Anything else?”

Michael sighed. “I don’t know”, he said. “I’m lonely, and a little homesick. I like it here, but without much outside communication, there's nothing to do except think. It forces me to think about my personal issues. That’s been hard, but I guess it’s what I need.”

“Those things take time, sweetheart”, Debbie said. “and, um… Michael, what about the… other issues?”

Michael’s voice caught in his throat. “I… everyone was right. I am an alcoholic", he said. "God, it’s so weird to say that out loud. I just… I didn’t want it to be true. I didn’t want to admit that I had a problem, but the more I talk about it in therapy, the more I realized how much I was hurting all of you, and I’m so sorry.”

“Oh, honey”, Debbie said softly.

“My doctor said that the reason why I wasn’t sleeping and why I felt so sick was because I was going through withdrawals. I have to go to a medical evaluation on Monday”, Michael said. “They’re going to do some blood tests and stuff, and look over my medical history. I don’t really know what to expect.”

“You’re going to be fine, Michael”, Debbie said calmly. “This whole experience is not going to be easy, but it’s going to be good for you. You’ll be okay, Baby.”

Michael sighed. “I’m not sure how long it will take. The program is six weeks, but I think I’m in this disease for life now.”

“Take all the time you need, sweetie”, Debbie said. “Recovery is possible and you’re going to come out of this stronger than before. You have so many people in your corner, and we’re all going to support you no matter what.”

Michael looked up and saw Mark, one of the guys from his therapy group watching him.

He sighed. “Thanks, Mom”, he said. “Um, someone else needs the phone, so I have to go. I’ll call you again tomorrow, okay?”

“Okay, baby”, Debbie said. “I’ll see you next week. I love you.”

“Love you too, Mama. See you then.”, Michael hung up the phone and smiled. He turned to Mark. “Phone’s all yours”, he said.

“Thanks, Mike”, he said. “Good Night”

“‘Night, Mark!”, Michael said with a smile. “See you tomorrow.”

 

***

The following afternoon was a Sunday. Sundays were a visiting day for friends and families of the patients. Michael was resting in his room, when he got a call asking him to come to the front desk. He knew that Debbie wasn’t coming until the following week, so he didn’t know who to expect.

He went to the front desk, and was greeted by Ryan’s smiling face. “Ryan?”, he said. He was surprised. He hadn’t seen Ryan since the incident in Australia. He hadn’t responded after that text that Michael sent him after the DUI. Michael hadn’t expected Ryan to just show up like this. He didn’t know what to make of this spontaneous visit.

Ryan was dressed in jeans and a button-down shirt, even in such a casual outfit, he looked good. His smile always made Michael feel… something. This time, it scared him. His feelings for Ryan were complicated. Seeing him standing there, smiling warmly, Michael didn’t know what to think. He felt nervous… scared… confused.

“Hi, Mike”, Ryan said softly. “How are you?”

Michael tentatively approached Ryan. “How did you know I was here?” he asked quietly.

“I called Conor and he filled me in”, Ryan said. “I thought you could use a friend right now. Plus, I wanted to see you. You look good, dude. Really good.”

Michael’s heart leapt into his throat. He was having a hard time forming complete sentences. “Let’s go outside and take a walk”, he managed to choke out.

Ryan nodded. “Lead the way, MP”, he said with a smile. His smile was genuine, and it made Michael’s heart skip a beat, and his stomach twist into a knot.

The two of them walked outside and walked around the park surrounding the treatment center. “It’s pretty here”, Ryan commented easily. He was trying so hard to make casual conversation, and for some reason that made Michael feel even more nervous.

“Yeah”, Michael said quietly. “Why are you here, Ryan?”

Ryan sighed. “I told you. I wanted to see you", he said. "We haven’t talked since Australia, and I really miss you, dude.”

“What is there to miss?”, Michael asked bitterly. “We fucked. That’s it. We were drunk, and you and I both know that I do stupid things when I’m drunk.”

Ryan looked hurt. “MP, come on. It wasn’t just a stupid mistake. I thought It was something we both wanted. We were a long way from home, and yes, we had been drinking, but we were curious. At least I know _I_ was curious…. about what it would be like…with you. We’ve been friends for 10 years. We’ve been into each other for almost that long. At least, I’ve been into you since then…”

“I mean, yeah… I’m into you, dude. But I… I don’t know what I want”, Michael said. “I can’t make that kind of decision right now.”

Ryan smiled and patted Michael on the back. “I know”, he said. “and I don’t expect you to. I just want you to know that I’m here for you I didn’t come here to lecture you about driving drunk. I’m sure you’ve gotten enough lectures, and you know that what you did was wrong. You know how lucky you are to be alive. You’re lucky that no one else got hurt. I didn’t come here to talk about that. I came here because you’re my best friend. I came here because you need to know that you don’t have to go through this alone. I came here because I miss my friend Mike, and I want to know that he’s okay.”

“I texted you after everything happened. I was lonely and I wanted to see you. I texted you and you didn’t reply. I felt like you didn’t care!”, Michael exploded.

Ryan’s face fell. He smacked his palm to his forehead. “Dude, I’m so sorry!”, Ryan said. “I had some issues with my phone plan, and I ended up changing my number. I never got your text. I’m so sorry, dude.”

Michael nodded. “It just sucked not hearing from you”, he said quietly. “I needed you.”

“I’m so sorry, Mike”, Ryan said again. “If I had gotten your message, I would have been there in a second. You know that.”

Michael looked into Ryan’s eyes. He felt like he was going to cry. He was having a hard time processing his feelings. He felt very strongly about Ryan, but those feelings were scaring him. It was too much. Before either of them could process what was happening, Ryan leaned in and kissed him.

Michael felt like his head was spinning. His stomach was in a knot. He pulled away from the kiss. “You should go”, he said.

“What? Why?”, Ryan asked, shocked. “I came all the way out here because I really wanted to spend some time with you and see how you’re doing. I was hoping that we could talk about some things.”

Michael shook his head. “I can’t do this, Ry”, he said, choking back a sob. “It’s too much. I need you to leave. Please. Just Go.”

“Come on, MP”, Ryan said pleadingly. “I want to help you. What can I do?”

“Just go. Please”, Michael said, as tears streamed down his cheeks. “I… I don’t think I can do this”

“Mike…”, Ryan began. “I… forget it. Only ask me to leave if you really don’t want to be with me.”

Michael shook his head. “I… I can’t. I’m sorry, Ry.”, he choked out, as he turned and ran across the grass and back towards the building.

Ryan watched Michael go. He felt a tightness in his chest. He wanted to follow him, but didn’t think it was what Michael would want. Instead, he turned around and walked back to the parking lot and got into his rental car and drove back to the airport and went home.

Michael sank down on a chair in the park and buried his face in his hands. He loved Ryan, and wanted him to know that, but the very second that it was in reach, it scared him. It was easy to talk about how much he wanted to be with Ryan, until the opportunity was at his fingertips. He hated himself for letting it slip away again.

 

***

Ryan was waiting for his luggage at the baggage claim. He watched the other luggage go around and around while he waited for his own. His phone rang. The caller ID told him that it was his mother calling. He smiled, and swiped to lock screen on his phone to answer it. “Hey, Mom!”, he said, trying to sound cheerful.

“Hi honey”, Ike said. “how are you?”

Ryan sighed. “I feel like crap, Ma”, he said. “I feel awful. I went to visit Mike, and it… it was… bad.”

Ike gasped. “Is he okay?”, she asked.

Ryan took a deep breath. “I don’t know”, he said. “He looks okay. Physically, anyway. I think he’s been working out a lot. Emotionally, though… I don’t know. It doesn’t seem like that part is going well. He seems really sad.”

“What happened?”, Ike asked gently.

“I tried to tell him how I feel”, Ryan asked. “He got really upset and he asked me to leave. It hurts, Mom. It hurts so much. I want him to be okay. I want to help him.”

“Oh Ryan, honey”, Ike said softly. “I know it’s hard, and I know how strongly you feel about him, but maybe… maybe it’s just not the right thing for either of you right now. Michael is having a very difficult time right now.”

Ryan considered this. “He’s not perfect” he said. “He’s human and he’s flawed, but to me, he _is_ perfect. He’s perfect for me and that’s all that matters.”

“Then just give it time”, Ike said gently. “Only you know what’s right for you. Only Michael knows what’s right for him. If it’s meant to be, then it will be.”

“Thanks, Mom”, Ryan said. “Love you.”

Ike smacked a kiss into the phone. “and I love you, hijo,” she said. “Stay strong, sweetie. For yourself and for Michael.”

“I will”, Ryan said. “Bye, Mom.”


	10. Chapter 10

Michael slowly padded down the hall to Lauren’s office for his daily session. He carefully turned the handle to her door and walked inside. She looked up from her computer and smiled warmly at him. “Good Afternoon, Michael”, she said. “How are you today?”

Unable to speak, Michael just shook his head sadly. His mind was reeling from his visit with Ryan. His chest felt tight. His eyes stung from crying, his stomach was churning. He was afraid to speak for fear that he would choke on the words.

Lauren smiled warmly. “Sit down, Michael”, she said quietly. Her warm, calm demeanor made Michael feel at ease, but he still didn’t want to talk about what had just happened with Ryan. “What do you want to talk about today?”

Michael sat down in the chair facing Lauren’s desk. “‘I’m not really feeling all that great.”, he said quietly. “I’m not really in the mood for talking right now.”

“Michael”, Lauren said firmly, but kindly. “Talking through these things will help with the healing process. I promise. We have to start somewhere.”

Michael didn’t look up. His eyes were fixated on the plant on Lauren’s desk. One of the leaves on one of the flowers hung more limply than the others. It looked out of place. That’s how Michael felt. Out of place.

“Michael?” Lauren asked again. “Have you taken your medication today?”

Michael nodded. “Yes. I took the morning dose after my workout”, he said absentmindedly.

“Good”, Lauren said. “It seems like you’re keeping up with the dosage schedule. Has it been helping? I know you just started taking it this week, but have you noticed a change yet”

Michael shrugged. “It bothers my stomach”, he said. “I have trouble eating after I take it. Is that normal?”

Lauren looked thoughtful. “Different people react differently to different medications. If you’re concerned, we can talk to the doctor about changing your dosage or switching you to something else.”

“Okay”, Michael said. “I’ve heard that some people take longer to adjust to certain medications. Can I wait it out a little while longer, and let you know if I change my mind? I want to see if it helps my mood before I change anything.”

“Of course”, Lauren said. “Now, let’s talk. I want to learn a little bit about your family. Can I ask you about your mother?”

Michael smiled, and felt himself relax a little bit. “Okay”, he said. “What do you want to know?”

“Do you have a good relationship with her?” Lauren asked.

Michael nodded. “Yes”, he said. “She’s the best Mom in the world.”

Lauren smiled. “I don’t know”, she said. “I thought that was my mom.”

Michael laughed. He was still upset about Ryan, but now, sitting in Lauren’s office, talking about his family, he started to feel a little bit better. “I guess everyone with a good relationship with their mother thinks they have the best”, he said with a smile.

“That’s very true”, Lauren said with a smile. “So, your mother is supportive of you?”

Michael nodded. “Yeah”, he said. “She’s great. We’ve always been close. My sister Whitney is five years older than I am and Hilary is seven years older. I’m the baby of the family, and I think Mom still thinks of me as a little kid at times. She’s very protective, but not in an annoying way. She makes me feel safe and taken care of.”

“How do you mean?”, Lauren asked thoughtfully. 

Michael considered this. “Just… whenever I need help with something, she always encourages me to think about all the possible outcomes. She has always wanted me to figure things out on my own, but she there’s by my side to guide me in the process. She always comes to my competitions to cheer me on. It became a tradition for me to look for her in the stands as soon as I got out of the pool.” He paused and smiled before continuing. “And whenever I do something stupid, she doesn’t hesitate to lecture me, but she’s there to remind me that she loves me no matter what. She’s everything to me.”

Lauren smiled. “It’s good that you have her as a support system. How about your sisters?”

“They’re great”, Michael said, nodding. “They’re actually the ones who got me into swimming. When I was little, I used to watch them swim, and then I started swimming too. They used to look out for me when we were kids, and they still do to this day. They’re both quite a few years older than I am, so they’ve always been very protective of me. Even though they still think of me as their baby brother, as the man of the house, I feel like I should be there to protect them too.”

Lauren smiled. “It’s wonderful that you have such a close relationship with them”, She said. “You’re very lucky.”

Michael nodded. He felt a lump forming in his throat again, and suddenly he felt very homesick. “I’m the luckiest guy in the world”, he said, so quietly that Lauren barely heard him.

Lauren smiled. “Michael”, she said gently. “There’s someone else that we haven’t discussed yet.”

Michael cringed. He felt like his stomach was doing back flips. “My father?”, he asked quietly.

Lauren nodded. “I took a look at your file before you came in here this afternoon”, she said. “I understand that talking about him may be a sore subject, but it’s important that we talk about difficult things too. What can you tell me about your relationship with him?”

Michael shook his head. “I don’t really talk about him that much”, he said. “There’s just not much to say, really. He left us when I was very young. Throughout my teenage years, he would occasionally show up for meets and stuff, but to be honest, there’s really not much there in terms of a relationship. Now, he’s just not a part of my life. I think it’s better that way. My sisters still see him occasionally. They were older when he left, so they had established a relationship with him. I don’t need that, though. My coach, Bob has always been like a father to me. He and my mom and sisters are all I need.”

“You sound very sure about that”, Lauren said. She paused, and smiled. “Now, how about that visitor you had today?”

Michael swallowed. “That’s Ryan”, he said. “He’s one of my best friends and also one of my biggest rivals.”

“It was nice of him to come see you”, Lauren said. “You’re lucky to have good friends. It seems as though you have a lot of people looking out for you. So many people care about you.”

Michael tried to swallow the lump in his throat. “I screwed it up”, he said. “There’s kind of a… thing between us.”

“Oh?”, Lauren asked. “Tell me more.”

Michael sighed. “Do I have to?”, he asked petulantly.

Lauren smiled. “You don’t _have_ to do anything, Michael”, she said calmly. “but as I’ve been telling you, talking about things helps, even the hard stuff.”

Michael sighed heavily again. “He and I have been friends for more than ten years. We met during the Olympics in Athens. We’ve always kind of had feelings for each other, I think. Then, this past summer, we actually acted on it. At first, it was good. But then, I got scared and pushed him away.”

“What were you scared of?”, Lauren asked.

“That’s the thing”, Michael said. “I’m not sure. But, after we, um… after things happened, It scared me, because I thought it made it real. I’ve never really been good at talking about my feelings. Then I ran off to my old girlfriend. It was good to spend time with her again, but then she ended things with me, because she wanted me to focus on taking care of myself. My roommate and one of our other good friends told me that I need to talk to Ryan. I tried messaging him, but I didn’t know until today that he had a new number, so he never got my message. I don’t know what I’m doing. I want things to work out between me and him, but I don’t know how he feels.” He started to cry again. 

Lauren handed him a tissue. “Ryan came to see you”, she said gently. “I think that says something.”

Michael looked at Lauren through his tears. “He said that he cares about me”, he said softly.

“It sure sounds like he does”, Lauren said. “Do you care about him?”

Michael nodded. His throat felt thick and his eyes were stinging. It was becoming a common side effect of thinking about Ryan. “Yeah…”, he began. “…but I mean… if we got together, I’d probably just screw it up again. I don’t think I’d be able to live with myself if I hurt him. I’ve disappointed so many people lately. I don’t want to hurt Ryan.”

“You need to tell him that”, Lauren said calmly. “Tell him what your fears are. If you want to be with him, tell him that too. If you want this relationship to work, you both need to work together. If you want, you can invite him back here to come to a session with you. The two of you can talk things through while I facilitate.”

Michael shook his head. “I don’t think so. I’ll think about it, but I don’t think it’s the right time. Not right now.”

Lauren nodded. “Okay”, she said. “Let me know if you change your mind. We can certainly arrange something if you decide that it’s something that you want.”

“Okay. I’ll keep that in mind”, Michael said, smiling slightly. “Thanks, Lauren.”

“You’re welcome, Michael”, Lauren said gently. “Don’t forget. You have your medical evaluation tomorrow morning.”

Michael cringed. “Yeah”, he said. “I know.”

“You’re going to be okay, Michael”, Lauren said. “It’s a fairly simple procedure. I promise you, you will be fine. I’ll need you to be ready at six-thirty tomorrow morning. Meet me here, and I’ll walk with you over to the clinic.”

Michael nodded. “Okay”, he said quietly. “Hey, Lauren…”

“Yes, Michael?”, Lauren asked gently.

Michael took a deep, staggering breath. “I’m… um… This is stupid, but I’m kind of nervous.”, he said quietly, as he absentmindedly tugged at the hem of his shirt. “What’s going to happen?”

Lauren paused. “It’s pretty simple”, she said. “It’s a pretty standard physical exam. The doctor will look over your medical history. You’ll have a couple of blood tests. You really don’t have anything to worry about.”

Michael nodded. “Okay”, he said. “So, blood tests? I hate the sight of blood.”

“Does it make you pass out?”, Lauren asked gently.

Michael shook his head. “Not usually. It’s happened once or twice. Most of the time, I just feel a little dizzy.”

Lauren nodded. “Everything will be okay, Michael.

“Thanks, Lauren”, Michael said as he laughed to himself. “I swear I’m not usually this much of a wimp.”

Lauren smiled at him. “Okay, that’s it for today’s session”, she said. “I’ll see you tomorrow morning, Michael.”

Michael forced himself to smile. “I’ll be here”, he said. Then he turned and opened the door. He left Lauren’s office, and walked down the hall to his room. He tried to fall asleep, but he couldn’t stop thinking about his family, and Ryan, and how much he missed being at home.


	11. Chapter 11

The next morning, a few minutes after six, Michael woke up, and went down to Lauren’s office to meet her. She was going to walk with him over to the clinic on the other side of the treatment center’s campus. She was just arriving for work for the day when Michael got to her office.

“Good morning, Michael”, Lauren said sleepily as she sipped her coffee and unlocked her office. “Did you have a good sleep?”

Michael shook his head. “I didn’t sleep at all”, he admitted. “I tried, but it was hard to fall asleep. I guess I just have a lot on my mind.”

“I’m sorry, Michael”, Lauren said gently. “We can talk about what’s on your mind when you come to our next session after your medical evaluation. Are you ready to walk over to the clinic?” She gently touched his arm in an attempt to comfort him. 

Michael nodded. “Yeah”, he said, nodding. “As ready as I’ll ever be, I guess”

“Okay”, Lauren said. “Let’s go, Michael.”

During the walk over to the clinic, Lauren turned to look at Michael. “Is there something else that you’re worried about?”, she asked him.

Michael shook his head. “Not really”, he said. “It’s really just the blood test that freaks me out. I hate needles, which is funny because I have two tattoos. I guess it’s really the blood that bothers me more than anything.”

Lauren nodded. “You mentioned the blood thing yesterday, but is there anything else that you’re worried about?”, she asked.

Michael shook his head. “Nah”, he said. “Not really. Just the blood. Even that will be okay, I think. I hope so anyway.”

Lauren smiled. “You’ll be fine”, she said.

Dr. Barnes was there to meet them when they arrived at the clinic. “Good Morning Lauren”, he said. “Hi, Michael.”

“Good Morning”, Michael said quietly.

“Are you ready, Michael?”, the doctor asked. “It’s time.”

Michael nodded, and followed the doctor down the hall. He turned and waved to Lauren as he was led into a small room. Dr. Barnes ran through the medical evaluation and drew some blood. Michael closed his eyes and turned his head during that part.

“Don’t like the sight of blood?”, Dr. Barnes asked with a small smile.

Michael made a face. “No, no. I’m fine”, he lied, trying to smile.

He ended up feeling a little dizzy, but other than that everything went smoothly. He was embarrassed about being so worried about a simple medical examination. Lauren came to meet him with a wheelchair. They didn’t want him walking, because ever since he expressed his concern about passing out, they were worried about him.

“This is so embarrassing”, Michael protested. “I’m not a little kid. I’m fine. I can walk back myself.”

Lauren shook her head. She couldn’t help rolling her eyes and laughing a little bit. “It’s just a precaution, Michael. You’re still pretty weak, and we can’t risk you walking back by yourself and passing out. I’m going to take you to your room so you can rest before our session later.”

“Okay” Michael agreed, pouting and trying to hide his annoyance. “Thanks, Lauren.”

Lauren wheeled him across the campus and into the center. She brought him to his room. “How are you feeling, Michael?”, she asked.

Michael stood up. “I’m okay, really!”, he said. “I’m sorry I worried all of you with my stories about passing out. I’m a little dizzy right now, but it’s nothing serious.”

“Are you sure?”, Lauren asked with a smile.

Michael smiled back. “I’m okay”, he said. He made a face. “I’m sorry if I was acting like a pain. I can be stubborn sometimes. I need to work on that.”

Lauren chuckled. “It’s completely fine, Michael”, she said. “I understand. Get some rest and come see me later for your session. Okay?”

Michael smiled. “Okay”, he said. “Thanks, Lauren.” He went into his room, and laid down on the bed to take a short nap.

A few hours later, Michael woke up from his nap, and went down to Lauren’s office for his session. 

“Hi, Michael!”, she greeted him. “how are you feeling? Did you have a good nap?”

Michael nodded. “I’m still a little tired”, he admitted. “but I feel mostly okay. I felt a little nauseous, at first, but I’m okay now.”

“Good”, Lauren said. “So, I understand that your mother is coming to see you next weekend.”

Michael brightened at the mention of Debbie’s visit. He smiled. “Yeah!”, he said. “I’m looking forward to seeing her. She’s coming for the day on Sunday. I miss her a lot.

“Do you know what you’re going to do while she’s here?”, Lauren asked. “You understand that she won’t be able to take you off-site, right?”

Michael nodded. “Yeah, I know”, he said. “I was hoping to be able to take her out of lunch, but since I can’t leave, I could always take her to the cafeteria. I definitely want to show her around a little bit. I want her to see the park.”

“That sounds very nice, Michael”, Lauren said. “Is anyone else taking the trip with her?”

Michael shook his head. “No, she’s coming by herself this time. She can only stay for the day this time, but she’s coming back for family weekend in a few weeks and my sisters are going to come with her. I’m really looking forward to that.

Lauren smiled at him. “That’s great”, she said. “I’m really looking forward to meeting your family. I want to meet the people who helped shape you.”

“They’re pretty awesome”, Michael said with a smile. “It will be good to have them here. I miss them so much.”


	12. Chapter 12

On Sunday afternoon, Debbie came to visit. Michael had just finished showering after a long swim, considering everything that was going on, he was actually in a fairly cheerful mood. He was looking forward to spending the day with Debbie. When he was called to the front desk, he went to meet her. When she saw him walking down the hall, her face lit up.

“Hi, Baby!”, she greeted him. “How are you?”

Michael quickened his pace as he walked over to her. He gave her a big hug. “I’m okay”, he said. “How is everything back home?”

“It’s not the same without you, sweetie”, Debbie said as she gently pinched his cheek.

Michael smiled. “I wish I could be there”, he said. “How’s the family?”

“They’re all doing great, Michael”, she said. “Everyone misses you.”

Michael smiled sadly. “I miss you all so much”, he said. “Do you want to take a walk? I want to show you around. The park on site is really pretty.”

“That would be wonderful”, Debbie said as Michael linked her arm in his and led her outside to the park.

Debbie breathed in the warm, clean desert air. “It’s beautiful here, Michael”, she said, as she took a look around. “It’s so peaceful.”

Michael nodded. “It’s great, isn’t it?” he said. “I take walks out here a lot. It’s a good way to unwind after a session. Sometimes I come out here at night after group therapy, and look at the stars.”

“That’s great, sweetie”, she said. “You seem so calm. It’s nice to see.”

“Thanks, Mom”, Michael said. “There are good days and bad days. Overall, I feel pretty good though. The people here are really nice. I feel very safe here. It can get lonely some days, but that’s partly my own fault. Since people here know who I am, I’ve kind of isolated myself a bit, but I know I shouldn’t because they’re all so nice.”

Debbie smiled and rubbed his back. “I’m glad you’re meeting nice people, honey. What else can you tell me about your time here?”

Michael sighed again. “They diagnosed me with depression. The psychiatrist on site prescribed some medication for me. I just started taking it, so I don’t know if it’s helping, but we’ll see, I guess.”

Debbie nodded. “Those things take some time, Michael”, she said. “but I’m glad you’re taking the steps towards getting better. I’m really proud of you, sweetie.”

“Thanks, Mom”, Michael said. “I know I still have a long way to go, but I have to thank you for all of the support you’ve given me, not just over these past few weeks, when I know I hurt and disappointed you, but for everything you’ve done for me throughout my whole life.”

Debbie put her arm around him. “You don’t have to thank me, sweetie”, she said. “I love you so much, and I love to see you happy.”

Michael felt a lump in his throat, and he was trying to fight the tears that were threatening to pour down his cheeks. He swallowed. “I know”, he said. “I just feel like I have to say something. You’ve done so much for me, Whit, and Hil, and you did it all by yourself. There are no words to express to you how grateful I am, and how lucky I am to be your son.”

Since Debbie wasn’t able to fight her tears as well as her youngest child, tears immediately began streaming down her cheeks. “Oh, Michael”, she said softly. “It means so much to me to hear you say that. I’m lucky too. You and your sisters are my greatest gift, and I’m so glad to be your Mom, and not just because of the beautiful places your career has taken me. You, my boy, are a wonderful young man. You give so much to everyone around you, and I can’t wait to have you back home with us.”

“How do you do it, Mom?”, he asked. “How is it that after all the times I let you down, you still have faith in me?”

Debbie smiled and gave him a hug. “Because I know _you_ ”, she said. “You’ve messed up a few times, but you’ve also accomplished so much, and I know that no matter where life takes you, you’ll keep making me proud.”

“Thanks, Mom”, he said, as he gave Debbie a hug. He kissed her on the cheek. “I love you so much.”

 

***

After visiting hours were over, Michael walked with Debbie over to her rental car in the parking lot. She was going back to her hotel for the night and flying back to Baltimore the following day.

“Thanks for coming, Mom”, Michael said. “I love you.”

Debbie smiled and hugged Michael. “I love you so much, sweetie”, she said. “Take care of yourself, stay strong, and I’ll see you for the family weekend in a few weeks.”

Debbie got into the car, and drove out of the parking lot. Michael waved, and turned and walked back inside for his daily session with Lauren. After spending the day with Debbie, he felt calm and happy. He walked into Lauren’s office with a big smile on his face. 

“Hi Michael”, she said with a smile. “How are you doing today?”

Michael’s smile was a mile wide. “My mom just left”, he said. “I took her for a walk through the park.”

Lauren smiled warmly at him. “That sounds wonderful, Michael”, she said. “Did you have a nice visit?”

Michael nodded. “It was really good”, he said. “It sucks that I can’t be at home with my family right now. I miss them so much, but having my Mom here was like having a little piece of home for a while. I wish she could have stayed longer.”

“That’s great, Michael”, Lauren said, nodding. “I bet she liked spending the day with you. She’s lucky to have such a wonderful young man as a son.”

Michael blushed, but he was smiling. “Thank you, Lauren”, he said. “That’s really sweet of you to say. I have to tell you, I was skeptical about this whole therapy thing in the beginning, but now, I really enjoy our sessions.”

Lauren smiled. “I like them too, Michael”, she said. “You’re a good guy, and I promise you, you’ll be okay.”

“Thanks”, Michael said quietly.

Lauren smiled and leaned back in her chair. “Michael, I have never seen you looking so at peace”, she said. “This is the first session where I haven’t had to press you for answers. I think your visit with your mother was really good for you. I’m really looking forward to meeting her and your sisters when they all come back for family weekend in a few weeks.”

“I can’t wait to have all of them here”, Michael said. “I really miss them. Oh, and Bob is going to come too.”

“Oh, that’s wonderful”, Lauren said. “and how about your medication?”

Michael frowned. “I really think it’s helping my mood. I don’t feel as stressed or upset as I did before I started taking it. I feel very calm…” He trailed off.

“…But?” Lauren prodded.

Michael paused. “It makes me calmer and happier”, he said. “but remember how I said the other day that was affecting my appetite?”

Lauren nodded. “Is that still an issue for you?”, she asked.

Michael nodded. “Yeah”, he said. “I haven’t really been able to eat as much as I usually do, which is weird for me, because I used to be hungry all the time.”

“Hmm…” Lauren said. “Well, like I said before, we can talk to Dr. Barnes about switching you to something else”

“I don’t know”, Michael said. “It’s a concern, but I really feel like it’s helping my mood and stuff. So I don’t know what to do.”

Lauren nodded. “Okay”, she said. “Only you know what you need.”

“Yeah”, Michael said. “I mean, I’ll be okay for now. I’ll let you know if anything gets worse.”

 

***

Later that night, Michael attended his group therapy session. That night’s topic was relationships. When it was Michael’s turn to speak, he wasn’t sure what to say. He knew a lot of people thought that he was a womanizer. He wanted to explain that it wasn’t so much that he _wanted_ to change girlfriends more often than most people change their underwear. At first, he liked meeting girls, partying, and having fun. He was young, rich, and attractive. He wanted to enjoy life and have fun. As he got older, he began to realize that all the girls he had been dating were simply a distraction from his real feelings. He just didn’t want to admit to the world, much less himself, the one thing that he knew would make him happy.

He took a deep breath and said, “I’ve been in a lot of relationships over the past few years. Usually what happens is I’ll date someone for a few months, then move on. I’ve had some relationships that I really enjoyed, but sometimes I worry that people are dating me just for my money, which sucks. It makes it hard to trust people…”, he trailed off. He wanted to talk about Ryan, but wasn’t ready to bring up that topic yet.

After the session, Michael went outside and went for a long walk. Then he sat in one of the lounge chairs in the park and looked up at the stars. Before he knew it, he had fallen asleep.

He didn’t realize how long he had been sleeping until he heard voices. They sounded far away. He wasn’t sure if it was part of a dream.

“Michael?” a soft voice called.

Michael opened his eyes, disoriented. “Hey?”, he said questioningly. He looked up to see the night nurse standing over him.

“Oh! Sorry”, he said once he was awake enough to figure out what was happening.

She sat down in the chair next to him and smiled. “It’s no problem”, she said with a smile. “How long have you been out here?”

Michael looked at his watch. “Oh, geez”, he said. “A few hours. After group, I came out here to go for a walk, then I sat here to look at the stars for a bit, then I guess I fell asleep.”

The nurse smiled. “It’s okay”, she said. “I just want to let you know that you have fifteen minutes until curfew.”

Michael nodded. “Yeah, thanks. Sorry again”, he said. “I’ll go in now.” He stood up to go back inside.

“Good Night, Michael”, she said patting his arm.

“Good night”, he said softly.

Michael went inside, and into his room. For the first time since he had been in treatment, he didn’t have any trouble going right to sleep.


	13. Chapter 13

On the Saturday afternoon of family weekend, Debbie, Hilary, Whitney, and Bob came to visit Michael and attend some family workshops.

Michael greeted everyone with a hug. He turned to Hilary. She had recently started eating really healthy, even more so than she already did. She was getting more and more involved in her yoga classes, and had been reading about diets that would not only help her to do better in her classes, but also improve overall heath. She looked really happy and healthy and Michael was proud of her. He noticed that she was practically glowing. “You look amazing, Hil”, he said to her, as he gave her a hug. 

“Thanks, baby brother”, Hilary said, smiling. “I’ve been doing a lot of yoga, and I cut out sugar and caffeine. I didn’t even bother to switch to decaf. I don’t even miss coffee anymore. I feel great, and I have so much more energy now.”

Michael’s eyes grew wide. “No caffeine?” he asked with a laugh. “You? How are _you_ doing without coffee?”

Whitney rolled her eyes and groaned. “You don’t want to know!”, she said with a laugh. Hilary swatted her with her purse and everyone laughed.

“Hey, Whit”, Michael said, turning to his other sister. “You look beautiful as always”, he said, smiling. “How are the kids?”

Whitney smiled. “They’re all doing great, Mike”, she said, giving him a hug. “They really miss you.”

“Tell them I miss them too”, Michael said wistfully. “I can’t wait to be back home with all of you. I like it here, but I’m a little homesick.”

Debbie hugged Michael, and held him for a long time. “I’ve missed you, Baby”, she said. “How are you feeling?”

Michael took a deep breath. “I’m… good”, he said. “The past few weeks since I last saw you have been really hard, but I feel good.”

Debbie touched his cheek, and looked him over carefully. “And you’re getting enough to eat since the last time I was here?”, she asked, always the protective mother. “You look so thin.”

Michael nodded, unsure if he should tell her about his concerns that he had about his medication. “Oh yeah”, he said with a smile. “Don’t worry about me. The food here is awesome. I’ve been eating really healthy and working out a lot too. They have a nice pool here. I’m okay. I feel good.” 

He turned and looked at Bob. “I’ve been swimming a lot. I want to be ready for Mesa”

Bob looked at him, and studied him carefully. “Michael, you can do whatever feels right for you”, he said. “I just don’t want you to jump into anything that you’re not ready for.”

“I’ll be ready”, Michael said with determination.

Bob hesitated. “It’s not your swimming that I’m worried about, Michael”, he said. “I know you won’t have any trouble being ready physically. You look like you’re in great shape, and I’m proud of you for taking the time to work out. I’m concerned about _you_. I don’t want you to put any extra pressure on yourself. Extra stress is the last thing that you need right now.”

Michael smiled. “I’ll be okay”, he said. “I need this. I need to set goals for myself and have things to look forward to.”

Debbie smiled proudly. “It really sounds like you’re learning a lot about yourself, sweetie”, she said. “I’m proud of you.”

“Thanks, Mom”, Michael said. “Yeah, it’s been good. It’s something that we discuss a lot in both group and one on one sessions. It’s important to make plans and talk about the future. If I can think about things that will make me happy, I’m not as stressed, and it makes the future look brighter.”

***

Later that afternoon, Hilary, Whitney, and Bob went on a tour of the facility and met some of the families of the other patients. Michael and Debbie attended a session with Lauren. Lauren sat on one of the chairs in her office, while Michael and Debbie sat on the couch.

“Mrs. Phelps, it’s great to finally meet you”, Lauren said. “Michael tells me that you two are very close.” She smiled warmly, making Debbie feel at ease.

Debbie nodded. “Yes”, she said, patting Michael’s hand. “We have a very good relationship. Michael and I have always been able to talk to each other about anything and everything. There’s a big age difference between him and his sisters, so he’s always been my little baby.” She turned to smile at Michael.

Michael blushed. “Mooooom”, he groaned, but he was smiling.

“Michael?” Lauren asked, smiling. “Is there anything you’d like to add?”

“Mom means everything to me”, he said quietly. “She has always supported me and my career, and has helped me to talk about the choices - good and bad - that I made in between. She cheers me on through the good, and picks me up throughout the bad stuff. She’s not just a parent, she’s also my friend.”

Debbie turned to Michael and smiled. There were tears in her eyes. She gently rubbed his back. “Oh, I love you so much, sweetie”, she said.

“I love you too”, Michael said quietly.

“That’s great”, Lauren said with a smile, as she observed their interaction. “It’s nice that you have such a good relationship. Mrs. Phelps, do you have any questions for me?”

Debbie paused, and glanced over at Michael. “I just want to make sure that Michael is taking care of himself. He says he is, but I need to hear it from someone else.”

“Mom, I’m okay”, Michael said quietly, as he patted Debbie’s hand.

Lauren smiled. “He’s doing very well with his program, Mrs. Phelps. He understands what the issues are, and he knows that he has some work to do. He has already made so much progress, and you should be very proud of him.” She turned to look at Michael and asked, “Michael, did you tell your mother what you’ve been discussing with me?”

Debbie turned to look at Michael, alarmed. “Michael?” she asked. “Honey, what’s going on? Are you sure you’re okay?”

Michael took a deep breath. “I feel really good”, he said. “I’ve been taking medication for depression, and it really helps my mood. I think it has been good for me. The problem is, it really affects my appetite. I just haven’t been able to eat as much as I normally do. It’s not really that big of a deal. I’ll be fine once I adjust to the medication. My doctor said that might take some time.”

Debbie glanced at Michael skeptically, then looked at Lauren. “Is this normal?”, she asked.

Lauren nodded. “Yes”, she said. “Everyone reacts differently to different types of medication. Changes in appetite is a very common side effect. I mentioned to Michael that we can talk to his doctor if this is a concern. He says that the medication is helping him. though, so it’s a trade off. Ultimately, it’s his decision.”

Debbie nodded. “So that’s something we can talk about further down the line if things get worse? I just want him to be okay.”

“Mom, it’s fine”, Michael said quietly. “I’m okay.”

Debbie glanced at Michael and then back at Lauren, as if to say, “Is he sure?”

Lauren smiled at both of them. “Michael knows that it’s an option that is available for him if he chooses to take it.”

Debbie seemed to relax. “Okay”, she said. “Thank you, Lauren.”

“You’re welcome”, Lauren said. “Do you have any other questions for me?”

Debbie paused. “So, I know he meets with you every day. What else goes on here?, she asked.

“In addition to Michael’s sessions with me, he also has to attend nightly group sessions. He meets with several other residents and a facilitator. They talk about a lot of the same things that we talk about in one on one sessions, just in a different setting. It’s helpful for the residents to talk to and learn from each other. We treat many different conditions here, and it’s good for the residents to talk to other people in the various programs and different stages in the process.”

“Is he doing well with that?”, Debbie asked.

“Mooooom”, Michael whined again.

Debbie laughed. “Hush, Michael”, she said, as she patted him on the back.

Lauren laughed too. “Yes”, she said. “He’s doing very well. It was hard to get him to open up at first, but as time went on, he got better and better about answering questions, and participating in discussions. He’s learning a lot about himself, and he’s been making friends.”

Debbie nodded. “Okay”, she said. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome”, Lauren said with a smile. “Now, if you want to, you can meet up with the rest of your family.”

“Okay”, Debbie agreed. “Are you ready, Michael?”

Michael smiled. “Yeah”, he said. “Let’s go.”

“See you later this afternoon”, Lauren said to Michael. She turned to Debbie. “Mrs. Phelps, it was great to meet you. Michael is in good hands, I promise.”

Debbie smiled. “Thank you”, she said.

“See you later, Lauren”, Michael said with a smile.

Debbie and Michael went outside and met up with Bob, Whitney, and Hilary.

“Michael, this place is beautiful”, Hilary said as she looked around. “I’d love to see what an outdoor yoga class is like here.”

“They have them”, Michael said with a nod. “I haven’t tried it, though.”

Hilary smiled at him. “You should!”, she said. “I think you’d really like it.”

Michael laughed. “Have you seen these awkward limbs?”, he asked gesturing towards his arms and legs.

Hilary laughed. “Good point”, she said. “You may be an amazing swimmer, but you suck on land!”

“Ha Ha”, Michael said sarcastically, crossing his arms at her. He made a face at her but he ruined it by smiling.

“I’m just teasing you”, Hilary said with a laugh, as she gave him a hug. “I took Allie to a hot yoga class with me the other day. She’s really flexible and athletic, so I thought she’d love it, but she said that it wasn’t really for her.”

Michael smiled at the mention of his friend. “How is Allie?”, he asked.

Debbie put her hand on Michael’s shoulder. “She misses you, baby. I gave her your address. She said that she was going to write you a letter.”

“Cool”, Michael said. “How about Conor? Anyone hear from him?”

“He’s doing a lot of traveling”, Bob said. “He’s visiting friends and family while training all over the country. Seems like he’s having a good time.”

Michael nodded. “Good”, he said. “I’m glad everyone is doing okay. I miss all of you so much.”

***

Later that afternoon, everyone was preparing to leave. Michael walked out to the car with them. Everyone hugged goodbye. 

“Thank you for coming, everyone”, Michael said, as he glanced at around the group. “It was so good to see all of you.”

Debbie hugged him and held him for a long time. “I’m so proud of you, Michael”, she said. “Please make sure you’re taking care of yourself, and we’ll see you in a few weeks.”

Michael nodded. “I will. I love you, Mom”, he said. “I’ll see you soon.”

Everyone else took turns saying goodbye to each other, then Michael turned and walked back into the center for his daily session with Lauren. He walked into her office, and she looked up from her desk and smiled. 

“Hi, Michael”, she said. “How was your day?”

Michael smiled. “It was really good”, he said. “I liked spending time with my family. It was nice to see all of them.”

“Your mother is wonderful, Michael”, Lauren said. “It was nice to meet her. It’s easy to see why you’re such a sweetheart.”

Michael blushed. “Thanks, Lauren”, he said. “I told you my Mom is awesome.”

Lauren smiled and shook her head. “I may be biased, but, I still think Mama Collins is the best”, she paused, her turquoise eyes twinkling. “but, your Mom might be a close second.”

Michael laughed and shook his head. “Nope”, he said. “Mama Phelps rules. No contest.”

Lauren laughed and shook her head. She was smiling. “Have a seat, Michael”, she said. “Let’s get started.”

“Okay”, Michael said as he took a seat, facing Lauren. “Thank you for all the things you said to my Mom. She seems a lot more at ease now about me being away. I love her more than anything, but man, she’s a worrywart.”

Lauren shook her head and laughed. “Michael. When I was in college, I studied abroad in France for a semester. My mother _flew to Paris_ , showed up at the apartment that I was sharing with eight of my classmates, and presented me with a week’s worth of clean underwear. When that happens to you, then you can talk to me about meddling mothers.”

Michael burst out laughing. “Okay, that does seem a bit excessive”, he said. “My mom is amazing, but I don’t want her to worry about me. Just… thanks again.”

Lauren smiled. “It was my pleasure, Michael. It was so nice to meet your family this afternoon. They’re all so great, and you’re very lucky to have such a strong support system.”

“I know”, Michael said. “They’re amazing. I’m looking forward to being with them when I get home in a couple weeks”

Lauren smiled. “I’m sure you are”, she said calmly, “but Michael, what are your plans for when you get home?”

“I’m going to stay at my Mom’s house for a few weeks. I’ll probably stay with her until after my trial. My roommate is doing a lot of traveling, and I don’t really want to be alone at my house… so I’ll hang out at Mom’s for a while. It was her idea, but I think it’s a good one. I’m going to train with my club. I’m still suspended from competition, but they’re allowing me train so I can get ready to compete after my suspension is over.”

Lauren looked at him carefully. “When will that be?”, she asked.

“April”, Michael said. “The first meet I’ll be able to compete in is in Mesa. It’s funny because when I made my comeback last year, that was my first meet.”

“And this is something that you want?”, Lauren asked. “Don’t feel like you have to push yourself. When you go home, things are going to be very different from when you left. It’s a hard adjustment.”

Michael nodded. “I know”, he said. “but I need this. I need to be in the water. I need to be back in Baltimore with my family, my teammates, my roommate Conor who is also a teammate, and of course, Allison.”

“Who’s Allison?” Lauren asked with a smile. 

Michael smiled. “She’s my best friend”, he said. “We’ve been training together for years. We help each other both in and out of the water. She’s like a sister to me. She celebrates my successes with me. She’s the voice of reason when I need someone to tell me when I’m acting like an idiot, especially about the Ryan situation. She motivates me to do well in and out of the water. I really don’t have any idea what I would do without her in my life. She’s a good friend, and she’s so special to me.”

“You need to tell her that, Michael”, Lauren said. “It’s really important to foster connections with the special people in your life. Let them know how much you appreciate them.”

Michael nodded. “Yeah, I know”, he said. “I’m just not very good with… words. There’s not much I’m sure of these days.”

“You’re going to be okay, Michael”, Lauren said. “I’m know you will. It really sounds like you have a great support system back home.”

Michael smiled. “I do”, he said. “They’re incredible. They’ve always been there for be, and I want to get better so I can be a better man and be there for all of them.


	14. Chapter 14

Later that night, Michael was at group therapy. The chairs were arranged in a circle. The facilitator asked everyone to go around the circle and talk a little bit about their day. When it was Michael’s turn, he smiled and said, “My family came to see me for Family Weekend. It was good to spend some time with them. I think it was good for them to come and see the place and see how I’m doing here. They were skeptical about me leaving home, but I think once they saw how nice it is here, they felt better. I know my Mom did.”

***

At the end of the session, one of the guys in his group, a guy named Mark who was around Michael’s age approached him. “Hey, Mike!”, he said.

Michael turned around. “Hey, Mark!”, he said cheerfully. “What’s up?”

“Not much, dude”, he said. “I’m going to go outside for a bit. I want to take a walk around the park. Would you like to join me?”

Michael smiled. “Yeah”, he said. “I’d like that. Let’s go.”

When Mark and Michael got outside, they walked around the park quietly for a little while. Mark broke the silence and asked, “So how is everything going, dude?”

Michael sighed. “I’m okay”, he said. “It was nice to see my family today. I really miss them.”

“It’s good that they came”, Mark said. “My family week was last week so my Mom and brother came. It was hard, but nice. They’re pretty great.”

“That’s good”, Michael said. “So if your family week was last week, that means that you’re leaving soon, right?”

Mark nodded. “Saturday”, he said. “I like it here, but I can’t wait to get home. I can’t wait to sleep in my own bed, and see my dogs.”

“What kind of dogs do you have?”, Michael asked. “I have a bulldog named Herman and a catahoula named Stella. They’re the best.”

Mark smiled. “I have two dachshunds, Mario and Luigi, he said. “I love them”

Michael laughed. “Good names!”, he said.

“Good dogs”, Mark said with a nod.

Michael smiled. “I bet”, he said. “I really miss mine. My mom is taking care of them for me while I’m here. Part of me likes to think they’re taking care of her for me.”

“Can I ask you a question, dude?” Mark asked. “I’m going to change the subject for a second.”

Michael smiled. “Sure”, he said. 

“So, you mentioned in group therapy the other night that you’ve been in and out of relationships lately. I was wondering, do you need someone to talk to about that? I’d be happy to listen, if you want.”

Michael sighed. “Okay”, he said. “See… I’ve been with a lot of girls. I don’t know why, because they’re all beautiful, and I’m…me, but yeah. I’ve had a lot of relationships…” 

“Why are you so surprised that people want to be with you, Mike?” he asked. “You seem so nice, and you’re a really good looking dude.”

Michael laughed and shook his head. He blushed. “Nah…”, he said.

“No. It’s not a question. You are.”, Mark said kindly. “So, what’s the problem?”

“The thing is, dude… I’m gay. “, Michael said quietly.

“Ah!”, Mark said, giving Michael a knowing look and a pat on the back. “Now, we’re getting to the good stuff. I’m here if you want to talk, dude. So, keep going if you want. Take your time.”

Michael paused. Then he took a deep breath before continuing. “So, there’s this guy that I’ve been into since I was nineteen, right? We hooked up this past summer, and fuck, man. It was amazing. Then, I just, totally freaked out. I ended up getting back with an old girlfriend, who is just… everything to me. She’s pretty, and sweet, and she’s been around for a lot of stuff that’s happened in my life. She gets along so well with my family, and most of the girls I’ve dated haven’t. My sisters are very protective of me, so they make their opinions known about the girls I’ve dated. When I told my now former girlfriend and my family that I was leaving to come here, she ended things between us, because she wanted me to be able to focus on myself… It’s obviously very much for the best, because of the whole Ryan thing, but I miss her.”

“I’ve been there, dude. It sucks”, Mark said knowingly.

Michael turned to look at him. “You have?”, he asked.

“Yeah”, Mark said. “I’ve been on and off with my high school girlfriend for a while, but the thing is, dude, I’ve been pursuing her college boyfriend for years.”

Michael sucked in a breath. “Woah”, he said. 

“Yeah”, Mark said with a laugh. “Crazy, right? So does the girl know about the guy, and vice versa?”

Michael sighed. “Ryan has met Nicole, and I assume he knows that I ran back to her after he and I… well, after I fucked everything up.” He paused, and ran his hand through his hair. He hadn’t cut it since he’d been away, so it was much longer than it used to be. “I don’t think Nicole knows how I feel about Ryan. This situation is so fucked up, dude.”

“You have to talk to them”, Mark said with a nod. “Set the record straight on everything. It’s hard, I know, but you will feel a lot better once things are out in the open.”

Michael shook his head and stared down at his feet as they walked. “Most people don’t even know that I’m gay”, he said quietly. “A couple of my friends might have somewhat of an idea, but even my Mom doesn’t know, and I tell her everything.

“Oh, she knows, trust me”, Mark said with a nod. “Moms always know those things. It’s their job. My mom and I are really close. I didn’t want to tell her, at first, but when I finally did, she just hugged me and told me that she’s always known.”

“Hmm…”, Michael said. “I guess. I mean, my mom is always so supportive of everything that I do. Even when I fuck up, she’s there by my side, supporting me. She helps me work through stuff. Even with the whole DUI thing… I know I hurt her, and that really upset me, but she was still there, in my apartment, holding me while I cried, and she told me that I’d be okay. I just don’t know how she’ll react to something like this.”

Mark slapped Michael on the back. “It will be okay, Bro”, he said. “I promise.”

“Yeah, Maybe”, Michael said, smiling. “Thanks, Mark. It was good to talk to you. It helped me a lot.”

Mark smiled. “You’re welcome. I’m glad I could help.”, he said. “Want to head back inside?”

“Yeah”, Michael said. “I want to go for a swim before I go to bed.”

Mark nodded. “Enjoy that”, he said. “See you at group therapy tomorrow night?”

“See you then”, Michael said. “Thanks again for talking to me.”

They both went inside, and towards their rooms. Michael picked up his suit and towel in his room, and headed to the pool for a late night swim.

After his swim, he went back to his room. As he drifted of to sleep, he thought about the things that he had been learning, and the new friends that he was making. He fell asleep with a smile on his face. Talking to Mark about his situation made him realize that he wasn’t alone. He thought about his conversation with Tom on the first night, and recalled how calm and happy Tom seemed. It turns out that Tom had been right. After only a few short weeks, Michael found that he too felt better than he had in years.


	15. Chapter 15

The next morning, Michael went for another swim, then met some of the guys from his therapy group for breakfast. The cafeteria was serving french toast, omelets and bacon that morning. It’s a good thing that the cafeteria workers made a lot of food, because Michael and his friends made a pretty good dent in the first batch of the day.

Tom was sitting at the table with them. He was getting ready to leave that day. His program had officially ended the previous Saturday, but he ended up sticking around for a few extra days to wrap up some things. When they finished their breakfast, he and Michael walked out of the cafeteria together, and into the lobby. 

“It was really good getting to know you, dude”, Michael said. “Thank you for talking to me on my first night, and for helping me throughout my program.”

Tom smiled. “It was a pleasure, Mike. Really. It was good getting to know you. I mean not just getting to know Michael Phelps, the world class athlete. It was good getting to know, Mike, the regular guy with regular problems”, he said. He scribbled his email address and phone number on a piece of paper on the front desk and handed it to Michael. “Keep in touch, okay?” 

“For sure”, Michael said, taking the paper and putting it in his pocket. He wrote his own information down on a piece of paper and handed it to Tom.. “Good luck with everything back home.”

“Thanks, Mike”, he said, giving Michael a hug and slapping him on the back. “Good luck with the rest of your program, and with everything when you go home.”

“Thanks, man”, Michael said. 

“You’re going to be fine”, Tom told him. “See you, Mike.”

“Bye, Tom”, Michael said. He started to feel a bit sad. Even though it had only been a few weeks, Michael found that he had grown attached to people that he hadn’t known very long. There was something to be said for being surrounded by other people who knew and understood what he was going through. He loved his family and friends back home, and was grateful for their support, but the guys that he met in treatment understood his situation in ways that other people couldn’t.

 

***

Michael walked down the hall, and into Lauren’s office. “Hey, Lauren, he said. “Sorry I’m early. Is it okay if we start now?”

“Of course”, Lauren said. “Are you okay?”

Michael frowned. “Tom is leaving today”, he said, sadly.

Lauren nodded. “I know”, she said. I know how close you were with him. Was it hard for you to say goodbye to him?”

“It’s so hard”, Michael said softly. “I didn’t think I would get this emotional about saying goodbye to people, but he really did a lot for me. It sucks to see him go. We’re going to stay in touch, but saying goodbye is hard.” Michael was talking a quickly, and his voice was shaking. He didn’t know how to form his thoughts into words. 

Worry crossed Lauren’s face. “Are you okay, Michael?”, she asked. “Did you take your medication this morning?”

Michael nodded. “Yeah”, he said. “I took it after my swim. I definitely think it’s been helping. I was actually able to eat breakfast after I took it, so I feel like that’s a good sign. I still don’t really have as big of an appetite as I usually do, but I wanted to eat something, so I had some french toast and an omelet.”

“That’s good”, Lauren said. “and you feel okay?”

Michael smiled. “Yeah”, he said. “I actually feel really good. It’s omelet day, and I can’t miss omelet day.”

“Good thinking”, Lauren said, nodding in agreement. “Omelet day is my favorite day in the cafeteria, too. Do you put hot sauce in yours?”

Michael smiled and rolled his eyes. “Who doesn’t put hot sauce in theirs?”, he asked.

“People with no tastebuds, that’s who!”, Lauren said laughing. Then she paused and smiled. “Are you feeling better, Michael? You looked so sad when you came in.”

Michael nodded. “I’m okay”, he said. “I’m going to miss Tom a lot, but thank you for making me laugh. I really appreciate that,”

“That’s what I’m here for, Michael”, Lauren said. “and you’re welcome. When I can make my patients smile, I know that I’ve done something right. That’s why I do what I do. Making people like you smile is what gets me out of bed in the morning,”

Michael smiled and looked down at the floor. “So, we’ve both kind of helped each other out in a way, huh?”, he asked.

“Exactly”, Lauren said with a nod. “So other than eating breakfast and saying goodbye to Tom, how has your morning been?”

“It’s been really good”, Michael said. “I woke up early and went for a swim. It was a really good way to get the day going. I talked to Bob on the phone the other day, and he talked me through some easy workouts that I can do to stay in shape while I’m away without doing the intense workouts that I’m used to doing back home.”

Lauren nodded. “That’s great, Michael”, she said. “I was concerned when you first mentioned your goals about swimming, but now, just seeing how happy it makes you, it made me change my mind. Now, I think it’s really good for you to have something to work towards. It will help you with the adjustment once you get home if you have something to look forward to. We talked about setting goals back in the beginning of your program, and it really seems like you’re sticking with that.”

“That’s what I told Bob and my family”, Michael said. “I really want to be able to compete in Mesa in April. If I can work on training before my suspension is up, it will help me be ready sooner.

Lauren smiled at him. “And you’re sure that this is something that you want?”, she asked.

Michael nodded. “Absolutely”, he said. “This is absolutely something that not only do I want, I need it.”

“Michael, that’s really fantastic”, Lauren said. “I’m so proud of the progress that you’ve made so far. Aside from swimming, what other goals do you have after you go home?”

Michael paused. “Bob and I always make lists of my goals for swimming”, he said thoughtfully.

Lauren nodded. “I know”, she said. “He mentioned that in one of the workshops when he was here. That’s what I want you to do now, but for goals outside of the pool.”

Michael thought it over for a moment before speaking. “I definitely want to do some more work with my foundation”, he said. “Other than that, I’m not really sure yet. Maybe I could do some sort of work with high school and college students and teach them about the dangers of substance abuse. I want to learn how to cook more than a microwavable pizza. I want to see the northern lights. I want to get married and start a family. Oh, and maybe write another book.”

Lauren smiled at him. “Those are all wonderful goals, Michael”, she said. “and I like that they’re so varied. When you go back to your room tonight, I want you to write them down, and always keep that list with you. It will remind you of what you’re working towards.”

***

After his session, Michael went to the front desk to pick up his mail. He went back to his room, flopped down on his bed, and read his letters. The first one was from Allison.

_  
Hey Mike!_

_I miss you so much. I talked to your Mom today, and she said that she and Bob and your sisters are going to visit you soon. By the time you get this letter, they’ll probably have already come and gone. I hope having them there was good for you. Your mom misses you so much. I hope you don’t mind that she and I have been talking about you. It helps us both cope with you being away. I’m looking out for her for you, so don’t you worry. We all love you and want you to be healthy and happy again._

_I had lunch with Hilary the other day. She looks great. She said that she’s been eating super healthy and doing a lot of yoga. She talked me into going to one of those hot yoga classes with her the other day. Once was enough. I used to think I was really flexible, but I was wrong. Plus, doing all that in a hot room was too much for me. I’ve never been so sick in my life. She says that it gets better after a few classes, but I think I’ll stick to swimming for my workouts._

_I hope things are going well for you out there. Is the food good? Your mom said that you’ve been swimming a lot. I’m glad. I can’t wait to have you back in the pool with me when you get home. I assume that you’ve heard by now that Conor is traveling all over the country to do some training outside of Baltimore. He wanted a change of scenery. Matt and Yannick both left. Matt went back to his old coach in South Carolina. Yannick went back to France. I miss them, but they have to do what is right for them, you know? Anyway, I can’t wait for you to come home. Meadowbrook is lonely without you._

_I really hope you’re doing well. Stay strong, okay? You can beat this._

_Love,_  
Allie  


Michael felt a lump in his throat as he gently traced his finger over Allison’s name at the bottom of the letter and her trademark smiley face next to it. He still felt terrible for yelling at her the day she came over after the DUI. He was grateful for her friendship, and hoped that she knew how much he truly cared about her. The next letter was from Ryan. Michael laughed softly to himself as he tried to make sense of Ryan’s messy, scrawling handwriting.

 

_Mike,_

_I’m sorry about what happened when I came to see you. I swear to you, I didn’t want to upset you. I just wanted to talk to you. I realize now that I shouldn’t have surprised you. I’m sorry I didn't call first. I just miss you. I miss us._

_I know you have a lot to deal with right now, and I don’t want to get in your way, or fuck up your recovery somehow, but maybe when you come home we can talk again. I promise not to kiss you again, unless of course you want me to._

_I’m looking out my window, and Carter and Vinny are the yard chasing a squirrel. It’s pretty funny. Does Herman do that? Probably not. He’s fat and lazy. He’d get tired too fast. Just kidding. I don’t want to give old Herm a complex about his figure. Did that make you laugh? I hope so. You look hot when you laugh._

_Rupi and Cullen say hi. They wanted me to tell you that they hope you’re doing well._

_I miss you dude. Take care of yourself, and keep smiling._

_Ryan._

 

Michael folded up both of the letters and placed them on the desk in his room. He was grateful that he didn’t have a roommate, because even though he liked everyone that he had met while in treatment, he was happy to have is own space. It gave him time to think in private. He liked the solitude. Plus, he didn’t want anyone to see him crying.

After reading his mail, he decided to go for another swim. He thought being in the water for a while would help him process some of his Ryan-related thoughts. He went to the locker room to change, then walked out to the pool deck and dove in. He wasn’t particularly concerned with putting in a heavy workout this time. He just wanted to be in the water. He wanted to think.


	16. Chapter 16

As he walked back to his room, he tried to make sense of all of the thoughts running through his head. His feelings for Ryan were complicated. He thought about everything that had happened between them in Australia, and how good things seemed. Or rather, how good it seemed until he freaked out. The idea of that, of feeling so close to someone, scared him. At the same time, it made him feel good. Knowing how much Ryan cared, made him feel fulfilled in a way that no one thing or person ever had before. 

He thought about Ryan’s smile and his laugh, and how it comforted and consoled him, maybe without Ryan even knowing it. He thought about how badly he wanted things to work out between him and Ryan, and how scared he was to try. He hated admitting that he felt scared. He wanted to be the strong, confident person that everyone thought he was.

All of that thinking made him tired. He opened the door to his room, and went inside. He closed the door behind him, laid down on the bed to rest. He fell asleep, and didn’t wake up until it was almost time for dinner.

He got up and took a shower, then got dressed. He headed down to the cafeteria, and joined a couple of the guys from his therapy group. They ate their dinner together, and conversed easily. Michael found that he had grown to be very comfortable discussing his concerns about his personal life with these guys, and was grateful to learn that other people had similar concerns of their own. For the first time since his program began, he felt himself wishing that it didn’t have to end so soon. He had come to feel safe there, and it had been nice to be closed off from the media storm that he was sure was taking place back home.

After dinner, he called Debbie. Dinner with his friends had been great, but he wanted to hear a familiar voice from home.

“Hi sweetie!”, Debbie said. “I’m glad you called. There’s something I need to talk to you about, but I don’t want to stress you out or upset you.”

Michael took a deep breath, not knowing what to expect. “Sure, Mom. What’s going on?” he asked. “Is everyone okay?”

Debbie took a deep breath. “Everyone is fine, honey”, she said. “It’s nothing like that, i promise.”

Michael felt is voice start to shake. “Then what is it?”, he asked. “Mama, you’re scaring me.”

Debbie sighed. “Michael, do you know someone named Taylor?”, she asked gently.

“My niece?”, Michael asked, confused.

Debbie laughed. “No. Michael, there’s a woman talking to gossip websites about you. She says that before you left, you two had been spending some time together. There have been some… allegations. Who is this woman, Michael?”

“I have no idea!”, Michael said. “Up until I left to come here, I was dating Nicole. There wasn’t anyone else. Honest.”

“Okay”, Debbie said calmly. “She’s just saying terrible things, and plans to expose the truth, whatever that means. If you’re telling me the truth about not knowing who this woman is, then it sounds like she's just looking for publicity” 

Michael sighed. “I don’t want anything to happen”, he said. “Whoever this lady is, if she tells lies about me, I don’t want them to get out. I don’t want any more bad press.”

“Sweetie, it will be okay”, Debbie said. “We’ll make sure that it’s okay. I’m just glad you’re not able to keep up with the news while you’re in there. You need to be shielded from this right now. Extra stress isn’t going to help your recovery. Bob and I are going to meet with Drew and Peter tomorrow to try to figure out a game plan for dealing with this since you’re not here. One of of us will keep you updated on what’s going on. Maybe you should ask about staying in treatment for a few extra days. I don’t want you to be confronted with all of this the moment you get home.”

Michael felt like a huge weight had been lifted from his shoulders. He had been trying to figure out an excuse for staying longer anyway. “That’s actually a really good idea, Mom”, he said. “I’ve been thinking that a little extra time here will be good, anyway.”

He missed his family and friends back home, and as much as he was looking forward to being back home with them, he started to feel scared. He was already nervous about going home, and being away from his great treatment team. Now he was worried about this crazy woman making up stories about him, and was grateful that Debbie had suggested that he stay in treatment longer. 

 

***

The following morning, Michael went to Lauren’s office for his daily session.

“Hi, Michael!”, Lauren greeted him. “how are you today?”

Without answering, Michael slumped down in his chair. He leaned over and ran his fingers through his hair.

“Michael?” Lauren tried again. “What’s wrong?”

Michael took a deep, staggering breath. “I wanted to ask you if I… Can I… can I stay here for a few extra days after my program ends? I don’t want to go home. I don’t think I’m ready. Not yet.”

“Why not?” Lauren looked alarmed. “you were so looking forward to it before. Did something happen?”

Michael nodded. “I talked to my mom last night. She told me that there’s some woman who is talking to gossip websites and spreading rumors about me. Mom, Bob, and my PR team are working on a plan to put a stop to all the articles, but I just… I don’t want to go home and face the media. I can’t. It’s too much.”

Lauren nodded. “Of course you can stay, Michael”, she said gently. “You can stay here as long as you need to.”

“Thanks, Lauren”, Michael said, nodding.

Lauren smiled. “Of course”, she said. “Now tell me about this fan. How does all of this make you feel?”

Michael shrugged. “I have no idea who she is. My mom says that it’s been all over the internet. I mean, I assume this lady is sending in all of these stories on her own so she can get publicity, but why me? Why couldn’t she have picked any other famous athlete to do this too? I already have all this bad press because of the stupid DUI. Now everyone thinks that I cheated on my girlfriend, or ex-girlfriend now, I guess. Man, people must hate me.”

Lauren shook her head. “I think she probably saw you as an easy target, since you were already in the news. I mean, maybe. Anyway, I’m sorry this is happening to you. It sounds like you have a lot of people helping you though, so I’m sure you’ll be fine. This is all going to blow over soon enough. Until then, you’re more then welcome to stay here until you're ready to go home.

Michael nodded. “Cool”, he said. “Thanks, Lauren.”

***

Over the next few days, Michael started to get ready to go home. He thought about how different things would be when he returned. He was worried about his upcoming trial, and what it might mean for his future. He understood that what he had done was wrong, and that actions have consequences. He was grateful for the lessons that he was learning, and the support that he had around him. Most of all, he was looking forward to going home and seeing his friends and family again.

***

During one of Michael’s last sessions with Lauren, she told him that it was time to start talking about plans for his after-care program.

“…We have an affiliated facility in Baltimore. They offer outpatient treatment”, Lauren was saying. “You will continue your therapy sessions with someone there. One of my old colleagues works there, and I’d be happy to refer you to him.”

Michael nodded. “Yeah”, he said. “That would be great. Thanks, Lauren.”

“Of course”, Lauren said with a smile. “His name is Dr. Aldrin. He’s wonderful, and I think you’ll like him a lot.”

Michael nodded. “Thanks”, he said. “Yeah, that sounds great.”

“Okay”, Lauren said. “I’ll set it all up. I’ll get your files sent over there, and I’ll schedule your first appointment with him.”

During the next few days, Michael had some things to wrap up. He went to one last group session, and filled out his discharge paperwork. It had been an emotional six weeks, but was feeling a lot better about everything, and ready to face whatever awaited him back home.

On his last day of treatment, Debbie came to meet him. She was going to keep him company for the flight home. Michael brought Debbie to the cafeteria for breakfast.

They carried their trays over to a table and sat down. Debbie took a bite of her french toast. “Wow”, she said. “This is really good!”

Michael nodded. “It is, isn’t it? The food here is awesome.”, he said. “It’s all approved by a nutritionist, so it’s really healthy, too.”

“Do you have your appetite back, honey?”, Debbie asked, looking him over.

Michael nodded. “For the most part, yeah”, he said. “I’m definitely still adjusting to the medication and I have good days and bad days. Today is a good day. I’m really hungry.”

“That’s great”, Debbie said. “I’m glad. You look good, honey.”

Michael smiled. “Thanks, Mom”, he said. “I feel good.”

 

***

Debbie helped Michael collect his luggage from his room. He sighed as he closed the door for the last time. “This is it”, he said. “It’s finally time to go home.”

“It will be great to have you back”, Debbie said, as she put her arm around him.

He said goodbye to some of the newer guys in the program, and a couple of the guys who started their program when he started his. They all exchanged contact information and promised to keep track of each other.

Michael and Debbie walked to the lobby. Lauren was waiting for them. She was leaning against the front desk with a smile on her face.

“I’m so proud of you, Michael”, Lauren said. “Good luck at home.”

Michael smiled, and felt a wave of emotion pass over him. “Thanks, Lauren”, he said. “Thank you for everything.”

Lauren nodded and drew him in for a hug. “You’re welcome, Michael”, she said. “You made a lot of progress here, and I know you’ll continue to do well. Go to your sessions with Dr. Aldrin. Ask for help when you need it, and always stay strong.”

Michael returned the hug. He felt himself choke up. “I know thank you isn’t enough, but…”, he trailed off.

“You’re welcome, Michael”, Lauren said softly. “Keep me updated, okay? I want to know how everything goes for you.”

“I will”, Michael promised. “Bye, Lauren.”

“Bye, Michael”, Lauren said with a smile.

Michael and Debbie picked up Michael’s luggage and carried it out to the car that was waiting to take them to the airport.

“You ready, Michael”, Debbie asked, putting an arm around him.

Michael nodded and leaned on her shoulder. “Yeah”, he said. “Let’s go home.”


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is late! I posted this chapter on tumblr before I went out for the evening, and forgot to post it over here too!

When they got back to Baltimore, they stopped at Michael’s house so he could pick up a few things that he thought he might need while he was staying at Debbie’s house for the next few weeks. While Michael was in his room, Debbie went through the house and got rid of all of the liquor bottles. She had already done the same at her own house, in preparation for Michael’s return.

After they left the house, they went shopping, because Michael had a few other everyday items that he needed to stock up on, and while they were out, he decided to pick up some presents for the kids. He bought a LEGO set for Connor, and art supplies for Taylor. Debbie had mentioned how much she was enjoying her art classes at school, and Michael thought that she might like some new supplies.

During his first week at home, in addition to spending a good amount of time swimming and sleeping, Michael had been very productive. He had his first session with Dr. Aldrin and spoke with Drew about avoiding questions from the press until the media got tired of the obsessed fan making up stories. He and Debbie met with his lawyer to talk about the upcoming trial. He was easing into the transition from rehab to being back at home.

One of the things that he learned in treatment, was about making amends with people he had hurt or done wrong to. He had a long talk with Nicole, and he told her everything that he had been feeling. He told her all about Ryan. She was immediately supportive, even saying that she had been suspecting it for a while. She encouraged him to face his fears and talk to Ryan. She promised him that she would come visit soon, and that they would always be friends.

Thanksgiving was the first time that the whole family was together since Michael came home from rehab. During the early afternoon, Hilary, Whitney, and Debbie were in the kitchen, working on some last minute preparations for their meal. Michael was resting in the living room.

“Ma, do you have any white wine?”, Whitney asked. She was looking through the cabinets. “I need about a half cup for this sauce that I’m making.”  
Debbie shook her head. “No”, she said. She lowered her voice and added, “I got rid of all of the alcohol in the house last week. For your brother.”

Whitney nodded. “Okay”, she said. “That’s fair. Sorry for asking about it… I guess I just wasn’t thinking.”

They all exchanged a look. None of them noticed Michael standing in the doorway of the kitchen, leaning on the doorjamb. “I’m ruining everything”, he said quietly, as he stared at his feet.

Debbie walked over to him and placed a hand on his cheek. “No you’re not, sweetie”, she said gently. “We just want to make sure you’re okay. These past few months have been hard on all of us. We need you to get healthy.”

Whitney smiled at her brother. “It’s completely fine, Mike”, she said. “I can make do without it.”

Michael nodded. “Okay” he said slowly. “Do you need me to help you get everything ready in here?”

Debbie shook her head. “We’re almost done, Michael. We can handle it. You look tired. Why don’t you go lie down for a little while longer?”, she suggested.

Michael hesitated. “All right…”, he said. “If you’re sure. Please tell me if you want me to do anything, okay? I feel like I should do something.” Debbie nodded, and Michael turned around and went back into the living room. 

“Grandma Debbie?” Taylor asked in a small voice. “Is Uncle Mikey okay? He looks so sad. I don’t want him to feel bad.”

Debbie’s shoulder’s tensed. Whitney rubbed her back. “He’s fine, Tay”, Whitney said gently, as she looked down at her young daughter. “Remember how we talked about how Uncle Mike was sick and had to go away for a little while to get better?” Taylor nodded, and Whitney continued. “Well, Now he’s back and he’s going to get better at home, so he can be with all of us.” Whitney tried to explain it as gently and as simply as she could.

Taylor nodded. “Oh. Okay. I like having him home. He’s lots of fun when he’s happy”, she said. “Grandma Debbie?” She asked again.

Debbie relaxed a little bit and smiled at her granddaughter. “Yes, Tay?”

Taylor looked up at Debbie with wide eyes. “May I have some juice and crackers, please?”

“Of course”, Debbie said, grateful for the distraction. “We still have a while before dinner. Of course you can have a snack.” She poured Taylor a glass of juice and handed her some crackers on a napkin.

“Thank you!” Taylor said happily, as she scurried off to the living room, juice and crackers in hand.

Debbie smiled weakly, and tried to distract herself by chopping vegetables and making a salad.

Whitney rubbed Debbie’s back. “Mom, are you okay?”

Debbie nodded. “Yes”, she said, taking Whitney’s hand. “I just don’t want to explain to the kids what’s going on with Michael. They’re too young for this. _Michael_ is too young for this.”

“Ma, Michael will be fine”, Whitney said, trying not to cry. “He’s so strong, and he made a lot of progress. He’s doing well. He’s going to be okay. He’s home now. He’s with all of us.”

Michael was sitting on the couch with his elbow propped up on the arm rest. His chin was resting in his hand as he stared out the window. Across the room, Bob was sitting on the floor helping Connor put together his new LEGO set.

“Hi, Uncle Mike!”, Taylor said, running over to him. “I brought you a snack!”

Michael turned and smiled at Taylor. “You did?”, he asked surprised. Seeing his niece’s smiling face brought a smile to his own face. He knew that the kids didn’t know the real reason why he had been away, and didn’t really want them to know. As their uncle, he wanted to protect them from things that they were too young to understand.

Taylor climbed up on the couch next to Michael. “Uh huh” She said, as she presented him with juice and crackers. “Grandma Debbie and my Mom said that you don’t feel good. When I don’t feel good, my mom gives me juice and crackers.”

“Aww… Thank you, Tay”, Michael said with a smile as he leaned over and ruffled her curly blonde hair. “You’re a good kid” Michael took a few of the crackers, and put the rest on the coffee table and leaned back on the couch.

Taylor leaned into Michael, and he wrapped a long arm around her. “I love you, Uncle Mike”, she said. “I don’t want you to be sick.”

Michael’s throat felt thick. He swallowed, and kissed the top of his niece’s head. “I love you too, kiddo”, he said. “I’ll be okay, I promise”, he added, hoping that it was true. He tried to convince himself that it was true. He didn’t want anyone, especially the kids, to know how scared and lost he felt.

“Tay, come look at my Lego castle!” Conor called from across the room. Taylor vaulted herself off of the couch and ran over to her brother to admire his creation. 

Bob watched the kids for a moment, then looked up at Michael, and smiled. Michael met his glance and smiled back. “Michael, let’s take a walk”, Bob said quietly.

Michael nodded. “Okay”, he said. He stood up and took his jacket out of the hall closet, and the two of them left the house and walked down the street. They were both silent for a while. The cool late November air sent a chill down Michael’s spine. He shivered, and pulled his coat closer to his body.

Bob chuckled and patted Michael’s back. “Two months in the desert makes it pretty hard to readjust to late autumn in Baltimore, huh, Mike?”

Michael laughed. “A little bit”, he said, shivering again. “So. Cold.”

“So, how are you?”, Bob asked quietly.

Michael paused. He took a deep breath. “I - I- I don’t know”, he said quietly. “To be honest, I feel lost. I’m lonely. I left everyone behind when I went away, and aside from making small talk at practice, I haven’t really reconnected with anyone yet.”

Bob’s hand was still on Michael’s back. “No one blames you for that, Michael”, he said. “It was more important for you take care of yourself first. Everyone missed you, of course, but we all understood.”

Michael nodded. “I just hate that I let everyone down… again”, he said quietly. “I’m tried of being a screw-up.”

“Michael, please don’t worry about that”, Bob said gently. “Yes, you screwed up and yes, you should have known better, but that doesn’t make you any less of a person. I mean, sure, the media latches on to stories like this, but they forget that you’re not a machine. You’re human. Humans make mistakes. And now you’re working towards being an even better person than you already are. I couldn’t be more proud of you.”

Michael smiled and glanced over at Bob. “Thanks, Bob”, he said. “That really means a lot to me, especially coming from you.”

“Just don’t ever do it again”, Bob said with a small smile.

“I don’t have any intention of ever screwing up like that again”, Michael said with a nod. “I talked a lot with Lauren about setting goals in and out of swimming for the next few years.”

“Good”, Bob said. “I’m glad to hear that.”

“I made a goal sheet”, Michael said.

Bob smiled. He patted Michael on the back. “That’s great”, he said. “So, what are your goals outside of swimming?”

“So many”, Michael said. “I definitely want to help others learn from my mistakes. I want to write a book about my experience. I want to travel somewhere where I can see the northern lights. I have big plans.”

“That’s great, Michael”, Bob said. “You’re going to reach all of your goals, because you’re you. I can’t wait to be there to see you be even more successful than you’ve already been.”

“Thanks, Bob”, Michael said with a smile.

The two of them walked the rest of the way back to Debbie’s house, enjoying the comfortable silence. Bob’s car was parked in front of the house. He walked over to the passenger door, opened it, and pulled out a bag. 

He looked at Michael and smiled. “We’ll both be in big trouble with your mother if we’re late for dinner, but first I want to give you something. He led Michael over to the porch swing, and handed him the bag. 

“What’s this?”, Michael asked.

“Open it!”, Bob said gleefully.

Michael reached into the bag and pulled a velvet box with the words “Golden Goggles 2014” embossed on the front in gold script. He looked up at Bob, with his mouth open slightly, his eyes shining. “What’s this?” he asked softly.

Bob smiled. “Athlete of the Year”, he replied.

Michael felt a lump in his throat. He wasn’t sure how to react. “I won?”, he asked, without looking up.

Bob nodded, and put his hand on Michael’s shoulder. “I’m so proud of you, kid.”

“How?” Michael asked. “I figured that with everything that happened… I mean, I’m not exactly everyone’s favorite person these days.”

“I think a lot of people were able to look past everything that happened and recognize you for your achievements”, Bob said gently. “Plus, the fan voting helped. I know it’s only a small percentage of the results, but you have a lot of really devoted fans who really wanted this for you.”

Michael smiled. “Yeah, but, I feel like I let so many of them down”, he said quietly.

Bob looked thoughtful. His eyes were twinkling. “Some, sure. But there are so many more who care so much about you without even knowing you. You’re loved, kid. I read the blogs. I know these things.”

Debbie opened the front door and saw Michael and Bob sitting on the porch. “Are you boys ready for dinner?”, she asked.

Bob stood up and smiled. “Of course, Debbie. Let me get the serving utensils for you”, he said. He patted Michael on the shoulder, and went inside.

Michael stood up. Debbie reached up and patted his cheek. “In case I haven’t said it enough this week, I’m glad you’re home, sweetheart”, she said.

Michael smiled, tears filling his eyes. He placed the box on the bench and threw his arms around Debbie. “Me too, Mama”, he said. “I love you so, so much”

Debbie sighed. “Oh, honey”, she said as she held him and rubbed his back. “You’re going to be fine.”

Michael smiled. “I’m trying”, he said. “I’m really trying.”

“What’s in the box?”, Debbie asked, a smile forming on her lips.

Michael handed her the box. “I won”, he said with a smile.

Debbie nodded, her smile wide. “I know”, she said. “Bob called me on Monday night right after the ceremony and told me. You were upstairs taking a nap when I was on the phone with him, and I’ve been keeping it a secret since then. He and Keenan wanted it to be a surprise. Bob told me that he wanted to give it to you tonight.”

“I can’t believe it”, Michael said.

Debbie pulled him in for another hug and gently rubbed his back. “I can”, she said softly. “I’m so proud of you, Baby.”

Michael was trying not to cry. There had been too many tears over the past several weeks. “I love you, Mom”, he whispered. “I’m still so sorry about everything.”

“I love you, Michael”, Debbie said. “And you always make me so proud. Let’s go inside and join everyone else for dinner. Are you hungry?”

Michael nodded against Debbie’s shoulder. “I am” he said. “It all smells delicious, Mama.”

Michael followed Debbie into the dining room, and sat down to enjoy a meal with some of his favorite people in the world.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You're getting Chapter 18 earlier than normal today, because I'm working the night shift at work tonight, and I don't know what time I'm going to get home. :-D Enjoy!

Soon, everyone was seated around the table, surrounded by their Thanksgiving feast. Debbie was getting ready to start passing the platters around the table.

“Before we eat, can I say something?”, Michael spoke up.

Debbie smiled. “Of course you can, sweetheart”, she said. “Go right ahead”

Michael cleared his throat. “I’m really happy that we’re all together tonight. I’m happy to be home, and I want to thank all of you for supporting me and putting up with me. I love you all so much.”

“I love you, Michael”, Debbie whispered, as she reached over and squeezed his shoulder.

Hilary smiled at him from across the table. “Welcome home, baby brother”, she said. “I love you so much, and I’m glad to have you back.”

After dinner, everyone went into the living room. Bob lit a fire in the fireplace, and everyone gathered to spend the rest of the evening together. Bob and Connor returned to their lego project. Whitney, Hilary, and her boyfriend Doug were all sitting on the floor, listening to Taylor tell them all a story about something that she was working on at school. Debbie was sitting on the couch. Michael was lying next to her with his head on a pillow on her lap, and she gently rubbed his back. He drifted in and out of sleep, comforted by the sounds of his loving family talking and laughing around him.

The doorbell rang. Hilary went to answer it. Conor and Allison were at the door. Hilary greeted them and led them into the living room.

“Hey, Mike!”, she said. “Look who’s here!”

When Michael saw his friends, he sat up and smiled. “Hey!”, he said happily. “Happy Thanksgiving you two!”

Allison came over to the couch. “Happy Thanksgiving, Mike!”, she said.

Michael stood up, and hugged her. “I’ve missed you, Schmitty”, he whispered in her ear. “Thank you for your letters.”

She returned the hug, and rubbed his back. “I missed you too, Mike. So Much.”, she said quietly. “It’s been too long. I’m so sorry that I wasn’t there for you that night.”  
Michael shook his head. “Schmitty, no”, he said. “None of this is your fault. I have no one to blame but myself. I’m sorry I was so rude to you when you came over the day after everything happened.”

“It’s okay, Mike”, she said. “Really. It’s fine. You were upset. I’m sorry for butting in. I just wanted to help.”

Michael laughed. “You had a right to say the things you did”, he admitted. “Okay, that’s enough of the apologies for one night. I’m really glad that you guys are here.”

Conor stood back and allowed them to have a moment between friends before walking over to join them. He hugged Michael too. “I’ve really missed hanging out with you, man”, he said. “How are you? You look good.”

Michael smiled. “I’m doing okay. I’m still trying to adjust to the anti-depressants that I’m taking. My doctor said that it could take a few months to fully get used to them, but I feel a lot better today than I have in weeks. Plus, I’m just really glad to be home”, he said. “Anyway, I heard that you’ve been traveling a lot. How did that go?”

Conor smiled. “It was a lot of fun”, he said. “I got to train all over the country and had a great time visiting family and friends. I just needed a little bit of a change of scenery for a while.”

Michael nodded. “Yeah. I can understand that”, he said. “with Yannick and Matt leaving and all.”

“And You”, Conor said quietly.

Allison smiled. “Hey, this is getting depressing!” she said. “We’re here to cheer Mike up!”

“Awww, thank you guys”, Michael said, smiling at his friends, and giving each of them another hug.

Allison turned to look at Debbie. “Debbie, would you mind terribly if Conor and I took Mike out for an hour or so?”

Debbie smiled and gave Allison and Conor each a hug. “I love you both”, she said. “Of course it’s okay. I think it will be good for Michael to get out of the house for a little while”, she added in a whisper.

Allison turned back to Michael. “Mike, do you want to go for a drive with me and Conor?” she asked.

Michael nodded. “I do”, he said. “I just want to go upstairs and change first. Can you give me a few minutes?”

“Of course”, Allison said. “It will give me some time to visit with your family for a little while”

“Yeah”, Conor said. “Plus, I want to see what Connor is working on over here!” He walked over to the younger Connor and sat down. “Hey, little man! What are you up to over here?”

Connor looked up at him and smiled. “Uncle Mike bought me a Lego castle!” he said proudly. Mr. Bob is helping me build it.”

Bob examined one of the more strangely shaped Lego pieces. “Or at least, I’m trying to!”, he said with a laugh. “They don’t make these pieces like they used to.”

“Cool!” Conor exclaimed. “Can I help?”

Connor nodded. “Okay!”, he said.

Conor looked at the piece that Bob was looking at. “Wow, Bob”, he said. “You were right. I’m a lot younger than you are, and even I didn’t have weirdly shaped pieces in my LEGO kits.”

“Hey!”, Bob protested with a laugh. “I’m not that old. Watch it, kid!”

Conor laughed. “Sorry, Coach”, he mumbled sheepishly.

Michael was upstairs changing his clothes. After spending a few days lying on the couch in baggy sweatpants and an old t-shirt, he was happy to change into something a bit more presentable, and appropriate for leaving the house in. He put on a pair of dark wash jeans and a teal button-down shirt. He fastened his belt, then went back downstairs again to join the group.

Everyone was gathered in the living room, talking and laughing. Allison handed Debbie the box that she was holding. “I brought some crab dip”, she said.

“Oh, Allison. Thank you honey”, Debbie said, as she opened the package and put the dip on the table with some crackers. “This is so sweet of you…”

“Crab Dip!”, Michael interrupted excitedly, as he ran over to the group.

Allison burst out laughing. “Would you like some, Mike?” she asked.

Michael was smiling widely and nodding furiously. “Uh-huh!”, he said practically knocking everyone down on his way to the dip on the table. He dug a cracker into the bowl of dip. “If the question is ‘crab dip’ the answer is yes!”

Debbie tried to hide her smile. “I’m glad that you have your appetite back, honey”, she said gently, as she rubbed his arm. “How are you feeling?”

“Umf always hunny fuh cab drip”, Michael mumbled through a mouthful of crab dip and crackers.

Debbie was still smiling. “What was that?”, she asked with a chuckle. “Chew your food, young man!”

Michael finished chewing his food and swallowed. “Sorry, mom. I said, ‘I’m always hungry for crab dip’”, he explained, smiling sheepishly.

“Thank you again for bringing this over, Allison”, Debbie said, giving her another hug. “It was very sweet of you”

Next to them, Michael was still happily devouring the dip and crackers. He was like a kid in a candy store.

“I helped!”, Conor spoke up. “Well… I parked the car.”

Allison rolled her eyes and smiled. “and you did that so well, honey”, she said, as she wrapped her arms around his waist.

Debbie laughed. “I love you both”, she said, drawing Conor into the hug.

“Are you guys ready to go?”. Conor asked Michael and Allison.

“Yeah”, Allison said. “You ready Mike?”

Michael nodded. “I am”, he said. “Where are we going?”

Conor smiled. “I don’t know yet”, he said. “Let’s just go for a drive, and the three of us can all catch up.”


	19. Chapter 19

Michael, Allison, and Conor walked out to Conor’s car and got in. Conor started the car, and drove down the street. The three of them were quiet for a long time. It was Allison who finally broke the silence.

“So how are you, Mike?” she asked. “You look really good. I mean, besides the beard. You should probably shave at some point. It looks like there’s a wild animal living on your face…but other than that, you look good.”

Michael laughed. “Hey!”, he protested. “I pull this look off!”

Conor rolled his eyes. “You’re not a mountain man, Mike”, he said with a laugh.

Michael pouted. “Whatever”, he said with a laugh. “You two just can’t appreciate the magic of the beard.”

Allison smiled. “I see you’re sense of humor is in tact”, she said. “and you do look really good. You’re feeling okay?”

Michael sighed. “I’m doing okay”, he said with a smile. “It’s been a little rough. Some days are better than others, but being away for a while was good for me. There was a great team of doctors and specialists helping me. When I got home, I started seeing a great therapist here. My therapist in Arizona referred me to him I’ve been taking medication for anxiety and depression. It all seems to be helping. The medication kind of sucks, because it sometimes makes me feel sick, but it also really helps with my mood, so I need to stick with it, at least for a little while. Like I was saying earlier, my doctors said that the adjustment period can take a while. And it’s a lot better than it was.”

“I’m glad to hear that you’re doing well, Dude”, Conor said. “I’ve really missed having you around. I was traveling a lot, but it was weird not having you there every time I came home. Are you sleeping at the house tonight?”

Michael shook his head. “No”, he said. “I’m actually going to be staying at my mom’s for a little while longer. At least until after my trial. She’s been really protective of me since I came home, and I think she wants to keep an eye on me. Plus, it will be nice to spend some time with her, and be around my family for a while.”

“Mike, can I ask you something?”, Allison asked gently.

Michael met her eyes and smiled at her in the rearview mirror. “Of course you can, Allie”, he said. “What’s up?”

Allison hesitated. “I was wondering what happened with you and Nicole?”, she asked quietly.

Michael frowned. “When I left for treatment, we agreed to take some time apart”, he said with a little bit of sadness. “She wanted me to focus on myself for a little while. We talked about some things after I came home, and we agreed that we’ll always be friends. And I… well, I have a lot of thinking to do.”

“About Ryan, right?”, Conor asked.

Michael nodded, slightly taken aback, but grateful to have good friends who knew him so well. “He came to see me”, Michael said.

Conor was trying to keep his eyes on the road, but he glanced over at Michael out of the corner of his eye. “What?”, he asked. “He did?”

Michael nodded again. “Yeah”, he said quietly. “He came to visit me in Arizona. He kissed me. I told him to leave, but I shouldn’t have done that. I miss him. I fucked everything up. Again.”

“Maybe you didn’t”, Allison said thoughtfully. “You should talk to him. It sounds to me that Ryan really loves you.”

Michael shook his head. “I don’t know”, he said sadly. “I think I screwed it up. Let’s be honest, though. That’s what I do best.”

“Michael Fred Phelps!”, Allison scolded. “Stop it! I don’t want to hear you talk about yourself like that. What happened to the amazing, confident guy I train with?”

Michael sighed. He swallowed, and glanced out the window. “Let’s see”, he said. “He fucked up two relationships, got a DUI, disappointed everyone that he cares about, then went to rehab… oh, and he realized that he’s a failure who will never be capable of maintaining a decent relationship”, he grumbled.

Allison leaned over the front seat of the car, and touched Michael’s shoulder. “Mike, stop. Listen to me. You are amazing, kind, and talented, and you know it”, she said. 

Michael’s throat felt thick. Thinking about Ryan was giving him a headache. He felt like his dinner was sloshing around in his stomach. He took a deep, staggering breath, and leaned against the seat. He closed his eyes for a moment, hoping that the sick feeling would pass.

Conor glanced over at him. “You feeling okay, Mike?”, Conor asked, with a smirk. “You’re kind of turning green, and if you’re going to be sick, I’d rather you not do it in the car.”

Michael forced himself to laugh. “I’m okay”, he said quietly. “I just have a lot on my mind. It’s giving me a headache. That’s all.”

Allison reached over the front seat and rubbed Michael’s arm soothingly. “Ryan loves you, and I’m pretty sure you love him too”, she said gently. “Do you want to be with him?”

Michael blinked away the tears forming in his eyes. He didn’t want Allison and Conor to know that he was crying. “Yes”, he said. “I mean, I think so.”

“Okay, then”, Allison said crossing her arms and nodding. She was trying to act stern, but she kept ruining it with her big, bright smile. “Then you know what you need to do. Don’t you?”

Michael turned around to face Allison and met her eyes and shot her a grateful smile. He felt like his head was spinning. “Yes”, he said. “I have to call him and apologize. I have to make things right.”

“Yes”, Conor and Allison said at the same time.

Michael sighed. “It’s hard, though. There aren’t a lot of people who know about me and Ryan. My mom doesn’t even know that I… like guys.”

“You need to tell her, dude”, Conor said. “Your mom loves you so much. You always talk to her about everything. She’s going to be very supportive. You know that.”

Michael sighed. “I guess”, he said. “You’re right. I mean… I just feel like telling my mom, and putting it out in the open like that, makes it real.”

Allison smiled at him. “Debs loves you. She will do anything to make sure that you’re okay”, she said. “When you tell her about Ryan, it’s not going to change how much she cares about you.”

Michael smiled. “Yeah”, he said. “I need to talk to her…and Ryan. Thanks, guys.”


	20. Chapter 20

The next few weeks went by quickly. Michael had his trial. He received a one-year suspended sentence, and eighteen months probation. The judge ordered him to continue with his therapy and attend weekly Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. 

He agreed that the sentence he received was fair, and despite his initial reluctance, he found that he actually enjoyed going to therapy. There were a lot of hard conversations, of course, but he liked being able to talk about his issues with someone who hadn’t known him his whole life. 

He was committed to continuing his path to recovery. He was relieved that he wouldn’t be serving any jail time. He understood the terms of his probation, and was determined to use that time to prove how far he had come. He was going to miss being able to drive himself wherever he needed to go, but he knew that he deserved to have his license suspended. He was grateful that everything worked out the way that it did.

He walked out of the courtroom with his family and his lawyer. He was still a bit stunned and overwhelmed. His good friend, former Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis, was waiting for him in the hall with a big smile on his face.

Ray greeted Debbie with a hug and a kiss on the cheek. “It’s nice to see you Mrs. Phelps”, he said.

“Thank you for being here today”, Debbie said as she gave Ray a hug and patted him on the cheek. “Thank you for being good to my boy.”

“Anything for my man Michael”, Ray said with a smile. He gave Michael a big hug, and slapped him on the back. 

“Thank you”, Michael mumbled into Ray’s shoulder.

“I’m so damn proud of you, my man. You’re okay”, Ray said. “You’re okay.”

The combination of shock and relief was too much for Michael. He couldn’t find the words to say what he wanted to. He returned Ray’s hug, and the two men stood in the hall together, tears streaming down both of their faces. That said more than words ever could.

Michael left the courthouse, and briefly addressed the media. He spoke about what he was learning, and how hard the past few months had been for him. He told the reporters how thankful he was for the support that he received, and that he was working on his path to recovery.

***

It wasn’t until he was back at Debbie’s house later that afternoon that everything hit him. He was sitting on the couch in the living room, and Hilary came to join him. She sat down next to him and put her arm around him. “How are you?”, she asked gently.

“I’m so relieved”, he said. “I don’t know what to say. This could have been so much worse, but it worked out, and I’m so thankful for that.” He started to cry. He hadn’t shown much emotion all day, but sitting in his mother’s living room, being comforted by his older sister, made him feel safe enough to let out the emotions that he had been bottling up all day.

Hilary rubbed his back and leaned on his shoulder. They were both crying. “It’s okay, Mike”, she said. “It all worked out. I’m so proud of how far you’ve come. I love you.”

Michael knew that the next few years were going to be very tough. He knew that the world was watching him, and he understood the reality of the situation. He knew what was in store for him if he screwed up again. He promised to continue with his therapy and to go to his weekly AA meetings. He knew how important that all was to lead him towards living the life that he wanted.

He endured a lot of questions from the press, spent a lot of time in the pool, in preparation for competing in 2015. He tried to keep somewhat of a low profile. After spending several weeks staying at Debbie’s house, he decided it was time to go back to his own house and try to get back to his normal life. Bob had been great about giving him rides almost anywhere he needed to go, and silently promised himself that he’d find a way to make it up to Bob someday.

He continued to make progress. He hadn’t had a drink since the night of his arrest and was feeling happier and healthier than he had in years. He was grateful to be surrounded by his teammates, family, and friends. 

There was only one problem. He still hadn’t called Ryan, or talked to Debbie about the situation, despite a lot of prodding from Allison and Conor. 

What he didn’t know was that Conor had taken matters into his own hands.

 **Conor [12:20 PM]** Hey man I need to talk to u

 **Ryan [12:22 PM]** What’s wrong? Mike Ok?

 **Conor [12:24 PM]** yeah. he’s good. 18 months probation. no jail time. it all worked out ok for him. He misses you…

 **Ryan [12:26 PM]** I don’t know about that. He seemed pretty upset last time he and I talked.

 **Conor [12:30 PM** ] He has a lot on his mind but I know how much he cares about you.

 **Ryan [12:35 PM]** Jeah?

 **Conor [12:38 PM]** I’m rolling my eyes at you right now, but JEAH.

 **Ryan [12:40 PM]** JEAH!!!

 **Conor [12:42 PM]** I love you both but ur idiots. Get ur ass to bmore soon, k?

 **Ryan [12:44 PM]** I’ll get there as soon as I can. u sure he wants to see me?

 **Conor [12:46 PM]** YES.

 

A couple days later, right before Christmas, Michael and Conor were both at home. Michael and Conor were sitting in the living room watching TV. The intercom buzzed.

“I wonder who that could be”, Conor said, standing up. He said it in a tone of voice that made Michael think that Conor knew exactly who their mystery guest was. He buzzed the door to allow the guest to enter the building. Not long after that, there was a knock at the apartment door.


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one is an emotional one. I'm also not great at writing romantic scenes, so apologies for the awkwardness of this.

Conor opened the door, and let Ryan in. Ryan walked into the entryway. “Hey”, Conor said quietly. “Mike is in the living room.” Ryan followed Conor into the room where Michael was sitting.

Michael looked up. “Ryan”, he said. “What are you doing here?”

“Conor called me. Plus, I wanted to see you”, Ryan said simply. “I know last time we talked, you weren’t happy to see me, but I really miss you, and I want to try again”

Michael was hit with another wave of emotion. He was definitely happy to see Ryan, if a bit surprised. He knew that the two of them had a lot of things to talk about, but he wasn’t sure if he was quite ready to do that.

Michael stood up to hug Ryan. “I’m so sorry, Ryan”, he said. “I was going to call you when I got home, but I had a lot going on, and I was scared and… I was stupid. I’m sorry.”

Ryan hugged him back. “It’s okay”, he said. “You look awesome, by the way. How are you doing?”

“Better than ever”, Michael said with a smile. He hoped he sounded convincing. He was still trying to convince himself. “I haven’t had a drink for three months. I know it’s not a lot but…”

Ryan shook his head, and smiled warmly. “Nah, dude. That’s great. Three months isn’t a long time, but it’s not nothin’. I’m really proud of you.”

“Thanks”, Michael said quietly.

Ryan sighed and shook his head. “Dude, do you have any idea how lucky you are?”, Ryan asked him. “You fucked up so badly. Do you understand how much worse this could have been?”

“Believe me, I know”, Michael said, shaking his head sadly. “I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it. What if I had killed someone? What if I had gone to jail? My life would have been over.”

“Yeah, but you didn’t”, Ryan said. “You’re here. You have a lot of work to do, but you’re home now. You’re surrounded by your friends and family. People love you, and you’re going to come out of this experience stronger than ever.”

“Yeah”, Michael said. “I know. It’s been hard, but I feel better and better every day.”

Ryan smiled. He gave Michael a hug. “That’s good, man”, he said. “You deserve that. You deserve to be happy.”

“Thanks, Doggy”, Michael said, smiling slightly.

“Mike, you’ve got to stop fucking around. You’re almost thirty years old. I really don’t want to lecture you, but dude, you scared the ever-lovin’ shit outta me.”

Michael shook his head. “I know”, he said. “I scared a lot of people, including myself. I promise to be better. I’m trying”

Ryan nodded. “Good”, he said.

“Do you want to go upstairs?”, Michael asked, his voice low.

Ryan leaned in and kissed Michael’s neck. “Yeah”, he said. “Going upstairs would be great.”

Ryan and Michael went upstairs to Michael’s bedroom. The moment, they got into Michael’s room and closed the door, Ryan gently kissed Michael. He began unbuttoning Michael’s shirt. The kiss deepened, as they fell onto Michael’s bed.

Ryan gently ran his hands along Michael’s bare chest down to the waistband of his jeans. Michael’s jeans had slipped off of his waist and sat low on his narrow hips. Ryan gently massaged the jut of bone and with his thumb.

“Ry…”, Michael moaned as he reached under Ryan’s shirt and stroked his back. Ryan’s skin was soft and warm. Ryan smiled at him, and for a moment, Michael forgot all of his troubles.

“Shh…” Ryan said as he leaned in and kissed Michael’s neck and dragged his teeth along Michael’s collarbones. Michael’s breath was quickening. Fuck, Mike.”, Ryan groaned. He ran his hands all over Michael’s hard stomach, and stroked his hipbones with his thumbs again. He ran his finger tips under the waistband of Michael’s jeans, and gently traced the raised outline of Michael’s Olympic rings tattoo. “You’re so hot.” He whispered.

Michael let out an appreciative groan, and jerked his hips involuntarily. “Fuck, Ry”, he mumbled.

Ryan stopped what he was doing. “You okay, MP?”, he asked.

“Mmmff”, Michael groaned as he dug his fingers into Ryan’s back. “Feels good” 

Ryan fell back onto the bed next to Michael, and sighed. He gently stroked Michael’s arm with his fingertips. “I love you, dude”, he said quietly.

Michael still hadn’t said anything. Ryan heard him start to cry.

“MP?”, Ryan whispered. “You okay? Did I say something to upset you?”

“I… I don’t know what I’m doing, Ry”, Michael managed to choke out, as he gasped for air. “I don’t think I can do this.”

Ryan sighed. “Mike, I don’t want to pressure you. I know you have a lot to deal with right now. I don’t want to get in the way of your recovery, but I want to be here for you. I’ll be here to support you, if you’ll let me.”

“I… I can’t, Ry”, Michael said. “I’m sorry.” He jumped up so fast that he scared Herman, who was lying on the floor. He lifted his head and snorted at Michael, before resting his chin back on his paws.

Michael quickly buttoned his shirt and ran out of the room, leaving Ryan lying on the bed, perplexed. A few minutes later, Ryan wandered downstairs to try to find Michael and talk to him. Michael was sitting on the couch in the living room. His face was buried in his hands and he was sobbing uncontrollably, while Conor stood next to him, and looked on helplessly. Ryan approached them. Conor looked at Ryan and shrugged.

"I think he's having a panic attack", Ryan said. "What should we do?"

"I don't know", Conor said softly. "Maybe we should call 911? Or we could just call Debbie. She'll know what to do."

Ryan shook his head. "These things usually pass. If it gets bad, then yeah. We need to call an ambulance, but let's just give him some time to calm down first." 

Conor nodded. "Mike?", he asked softly. Michael didn't reply. His breathing had slowed back down to normal, but he was still crying. 

Ryan knelt down next to the couch and put his hand on Michael’s knee “Are you okay, Mike?”, he asked tentatively.

Michael shook his head and stood up. Ryan stood up and touched Michael’s shoulder. “Mike?”, he asked again. “What’s up, dude?”

Michael’s face was red. He was gasping for air again, and he pushed Ryan out of the way and headed for the kitchen. “I need a fucking drink”, he snapped.

Ryan grabbed his arm. “No. You don’t”, he said. “Mike, you’ve come so far. You can’t quit now. I know you’re upset, but alcohol isn’t going to fix that. Talk through it with me. What’s going on?”

“There’s no fucking alcohol in this house!”, Michael snapped as he stormed around the kitchen, rifling through the cabinets.

Ryan and Conor glanced at each other, then lunged for Michael, each one of them grabbing one of his arms. “Good!” Ryan said. “There shouldn’t be. You don’t need it. You _can’t_ have any.”

Michael calmed down for a moment. He wasn’t crying anymore, but his eyes were glassy, and his face was streaked with tears. He turned to face Ryan.

“MP…”, Ryan began. He took a deep breath, and was worried that he might actually cry himself. “What do you want from me? I want to support you. What can I do?”

Michael met Ryan’s eyes. “I don’t know, Ry. Like, I’m into you okay? I just… I don’t want to get in your way.”

Ryan put both hands on Michael’s shoulders. “MP, no. You’re not in my way. Why would you ever think that?”

Michael wiped away a stray tear that was making its way down his cheek. “I’m a mess, dude!”, he blurted out. “My life is so fucked up. I don’t want to drag you down with me, okay?”

Ryan grabbed Michael’s shaking shoulders and hugged him tightly. “That’s not going to happen, dude. I love you so much. When I say things like that to you, I mean it, okay? I wouldn’t say it if it wasn’t true. I’d never say anything to upset you. I don’t want to be the reason you start drinking again.”

Michael buried his face in Ryan’s shoulder. “Ry, no”, he said. “My issues don’t have anything to do with you. Like I said before, I have a _lot_ of issues. You’re not one of them. You’re one of the good parts in my life. I like you, okay? I just don’t think I’m ready for this.”

Ryan smiled. “Mike, it’s okay. I’ll be here when you are”, he said decisively. Got it?”

Michael nodded. “Okay. I think I’m going to go take a walk. Clear my head. You won’t leave, right?”

Ryan hugged him tightly. “I’m not going anywhere”, he said gently.


	22. Chapter 22

Michael went for a long walk around his neighborhood. With each step, he felt himself calm down a little bit more. Christmas was so close. Every street corner in Baltimore was decked out with garland and bows. When he exhaled he saw his breath, against the chill in the December air. He was trying to process his thoughts. He wanted to talk to someone who understood him. He wanted to talk to Allison. A passing cab stopped for him. He got in and gave the driver Allison’s address. When he arrived at her apartment building, he got out of the cab went inside and knocked on her apartment door.

She opened the door. “Hey, Mike!”, she greeted him with a smile. Her smile quickly turned to a frown when she saw him. “God, you look so tired! Are you okay?”

“I tried to drink”, he said quietly. “It’s okay. Conor and Ry stopped me. I’m okay. Nothing happened”, he added when Allison looked alarmed.

Allison gave him a hug. “Get in here”, she ordered. “Talk to me. I’m going to ask you again. Are you okay?”

Michael sighed. He knew there was no use in hiding it. Allison would know if he wasn’t telling the truth. “I’m okay. I’ve been better”, he said. “I’m tired a lot. My meds don’t seem to be hurting my appetite anymore, so that’s good. Anyway, that’s not important. Some stuff happened and I’m kind of stressing out about it. Can we talk?”

“Of course!”, she said, leading him into the room. “Are you hungry? I made Christmas cookies!” 

Michael felt himself relax and smiled at his friend. “I think I could be talked into having some of your baking”, he said with a smile. “Thanks, Allie.”

Allison grinned. “Coming right up!”, She said, as she rushed into the kitchen. When she emerged, she was carrying a plate of cookies. She put them on the coffee table, and Michael took one and took a bite as he sat down on the couch. 

“These are good!”, he said. “Thanks, Allie.”

Allison smiled at him as she sat in the chair across from him. “So, What’s up?”, she asked.

“I um… Allie, I don’t know what I’m doing”, he said softly. “You always know what to do.”

“Are we talking about Ryan?”, Allison asked, trying and failing to hide her smile.

Michael looked up to meet her eyes. “What?” he asked. “How did…?”

Allison smiled. “Conor called me. I know that Ryan showed up at your house today. I guess when you left your house, Conor figured you’d come here. He called me and alluded to something…”, she said. “So, what happened? Did you just leave Ryan at your house?”

“Allie, I think I love him!”, Michael blurted out. “I mean… like, you know that… I’m gay, right?”

Allison rolled her eyes. “Like, duh”, she said. “We talked about your feelings for him on Thanksgiving. And for as long as I’ve known you, you couldn’t take your eyes off of him in that speedo… hoo boy!” She giggled. “Seriously, Mike. Yeah. I know. And, you know that I support you no matter what. You’re my best friend. I am always going to be here for you.”

Michael smiled, and seemed to relax a little bit. “Thanks, Al”, he said. Okay, so… you know that when he and I were in Australia, we did some stuff. It felt good, you know? It’s never felt like that with anyone else. But, because I’m… well, me… I fucked it up when I freaked out and ran away. Then, I was with Nicole. Now I’m not with Nicole. Then Ryan came to see me in Arizona. He kissed me, and I asked him to leave. After you and Conor and I talked about Ryan on Thanksgiving, Conor called him and asked him to come here, so he showed up this afternoon…” 

Michael was fidgeting and talking a mile a minute, and Allison just let him talk and process his thoughts. He paused and looked at her, helplessly, not sure how to say what was going through his head.

“It’s okay, Mike”, she said gently. Go on.”

Michael blushed. “So, last night we, um, we did stuff. It was good. It felt good. I felt… happy. I haven’t been a happy in a fucking long time. He told me he loves me. I didn’t say it back, and now I feel awful. I told him that I have issues. He apparently loves me despite all that. I have no idea why. I don’t know why anyone would want to be with a fuck-up like me.”

Allison’s eyes filled with tears. It hurt her to see her best friend feeling like this. She didn’t know what to say. She wanted to help Michael, but didn’t know how. She stood up and crossed the room. She sat next to him on the couch, and rubbed his back in small circles. “Of course he loves you, Mike”, she said tenderly. “You’re a catch!”

She paused for a moment when she saw Michael force a small smile. She met his eyes and smiled back at him. He touched her arm. “Mike, you are amazing, and I really wish you knew that. You’re so kind, talented, smart, funny, and attractive. Anyone would be lucky to be with you. Ryan loves you, and if you love him too, you need to go for it, because you deserve to be happy. And if you don’t want to be with Ryan, that’s okay too. You need to be honest with yourself about what you want because anything that you want is yours for the taking.” She paused when Michael looked at her and met her eyes. He looked like he wanted to cry, but he was smiling. 

“Thanks, Allie”, he said quietly.  
“You need to take care of yourself first, though”, Allison said, continuing. “There’s no reason why you and Ry can’t spend time together and try to figure things out, but don’t feel like you have to rush into anything that you’re not ready for. Make sense?”

Michael nodded, and leaned his head on Allison’s shoulder. “Thanks, Al. You’re the best. Maybe you’re right”, he said. He looked up and glanced over at the side table next to the couch and saw the picture that Debbie had recently given to Allison. It was in a pretty silver frame. Seeing it brought a smile to Michael’s face. “Wow… you still have this?”, he asked.

Allison smiled, and leaned closer to him. She wrapped her arms around his waist. She rested her chin on his shoulder. “I went to visit your mom right after you left for Arizona. We had dinner together, then sat around talking and looking at old pictures. She gave it to me, and I thought it belonged in a frame.”

Michael smiled as he held the frame in his hands. “This was such a long time ago”, he said softly, as he looked down at the picture. “Damn it, Als. You really have been around for everything.”

Allison nodded in agreement. “It’s been a fun ride”, she said with a smile.

Michael shook his head. “Yeah, but it’s more than that. You’re a good friend. You’re so supportive. You’re like a sister to me. You’re not afraid to tell me when I’m acting like an idiot, but you’re also really sweet and supportive.”

Allison smiled. “Aww… Thanks, Mike”, she said. “You saying that really means a lot to me. And just so you know, you’re pretty special yourself.”

“Just… like, Thank you”, Michael said. “When I was in rehab, my therapist encouraged me to tell the important people in my life how much they mean to me. I just have to say that… you’ve been around for so much, and your friendship means a lot to me. I don’t think I could have gotten through any of it without you.”

Allison nodded. “I’ll do anything for you”, she said. “You know that, right?”

Michael nodded. “Yeah, I do”, he said with a smile. “That goes both ways, you know.”

“I know”, Allison said with a smile. “So what are you thinking right now?”

Michael took a deep breath. “I think I need to talk to Ryan…like, really talk to him. Have a real conversation about all of this”, he said.

“Good idea”, Allison agreed. “So, what did Debs say when you told her?”

Michael shook his head. “I haven’t told her yet.”

“You need to tell her”, Allison said. “Your mother loves you so much. You two are so close, and I know that she’s going to support you.”

Michael nodded. “Yeah, I know”, he said. “It’s just scary., but thanks for all of your advice on everything.”

Allison leaned over and gently kissed him on the cheek. “You’re welcome, dude. Now, get out of my house and go tell Ryan you love him, okay?”

Michael stood up and held his hands up in surrender. “Okay, Okay! You win!” he said, laughing. “Thanks, Schmitty.”

She stood up and gave him another hug and rubbed his back. “and make sure you have a good nutritious dinner, okay? You need your strength if you and Ryan are going to to another round!” She grinned wickedly, and her eyes were twinkling.

“I love you, you weirdo”, Michael said with a smile and a roll of his eyes. He planted a wet kiss on her cheek, and laughed. “See you later, Allie!”

Allison laughed and shook her head as she held the door open for him. “Bye, Mike”, she said. “Good luck.” She closed the door behind him and shook her head and laughed.


	23. Chapter 23

After he left Allison’s apartment, he felt a little bit better. He was thankful for Allison’s advice and friendship. He took a cab home, and stopped at a restaurant near his house. He picked up some subs. Chicken finger for him and a steak and cheese for Ryan. Then he walked home and when he walked into his house, he found Ryan sitting on the couch. Conor had gone out. The tension in the air was thick, but Michael hoped that it would pass soon. He wanted to talk about everything, but still wasn’t sure how to do that.

“Hey, Mike!”, Ryan said cheerfully. “Are you feeling better after your walk?”

Michael nodded. “I am”, he said. “Thanks. I brought us some dinner.”

Ryan smiled. “Cool”, he said. “Thanks, Mike.”

Michael nodded. “Of course”, he said. 

He placed the bag of food on the coffee table, and sat down next to Ryan on on the couch. Ryan reached into the bag and took out one of the subs.

He grinned. “Steak and Cheese?”, he asked. “You know me well!”

Michael smiled. “We’ve been friends for ten years, Reezy”, he said. “I’ve picked up some Ryan-related facts over the years.”

Ryan laughed. He glanced over at Michael, who had just taken a big bite of his chicken finger sub. “Chicken fingers, Mike?” he asked, shaking his head. “Are you eight years old?”

Michael pouted. “I like chicken fingers”, he protested.

“Actually, I do too”, Ryan said. “but you’re still a dork.”

Michael shook his head and laughed. He turned on the television and absentmindedly flipped through the stations before setting on a _Fresh Prince of Bel-Air_ rerun.

Ryan turned to look at him. “Fresh Prince, dude? Really?”

Michael shook his head. “You love it”, he said with a laugh. He rapped along with the opening theme song under his breath. Ryan glanced over at him. He smiled and shook his head.

They ate their dinner mostly in silence for the rest of the episode, sneaking glances at each other every so often. After a while, Michael felt the tension bubbling up in his chest again. He got up to throw away his trash. He went into the kitchen and had a glass of water. He stood in the doorway between the kitchen and living room and watched Ryan for a moment.

Ryan turned his head and saw Michael watching him. He chuckled. “What’s up, Mike?”, he asked.

Michael shook his head. “Nothing”, he said. “Hey, Ry? I think I’m going to upstairs and lie down for a while.”

Ryan nodded. “Sure”, he said. “You okay?”

Michael smiled. “Oh”, he said. “Yeah. Yeah. I’m fine. I’m just kind of tired. I’ll be back down in a little bit. Feel free to watch TV or play video games or whatever.”

“Okay”, Ryan said. “Thanks again for dinner.”

Michael smiled. “You’re welcome”, he said. He went upstairs to his room, and laid down on his bed. He was trying to process all of the thoughts swirling around in his head. The room felt cold. He shivered. “Damn it”, he said aloud to the empty room. “I love you, Ry.”

After a while, he started to drift off to sleep. He woke up an hour or so later, and saw Ryan standing in the doorway.

“Hey, Mike”, Ryan said softly. “Can I come in?”

Michael stared at the ceiling. “Yeah”, he said quietly. “Sure. Of course.”

Ryan walked into the room and over to Michael’s bed. “Can I?”, he asked gently. Michael nodded and Ryan joined him on the bed. Michael stayed flat on his back. 

Ryan was next to him and lying on his side. He absentmindedly fiddled with the hem of Michael’s shirt, exposing a strip of skin between the shirt and the waistband of Michael’s jeans. He loved how peaceful and comfortable Michael looked, lying in bed, his chest expanding and contracting with each breath. As they laid in bed together, Ryan couldn’t help but notice that Michael had been mostly silent.

“You okay, Mike?”, Ryan asked gently.

Michael paused before speaking. “Yeah”, he said softly. “I’m good. I’m just thinkin’”

“Whatcha thinkin’ about?”, Ryan asked, hearing the concern in his own voice. If Michael was upset about something, he wanted to fix it. Well, he wanted to try.

 

Michael took a deep breath, and turned his head to face Ryan. “I’m scared, Ry”, he admitted quietly.

“You?”, Ryan asked. “You’re not afraid of anything!”

Michael sighed and shook his head. “Of course I am”, he said as he counted on his fingers. “Snakes, heights… of…of losing you again.”

Ryan leaned closer to Michael. He lifted Michael’s shirt and gently traced patterns on his stomach with his fingertips. “You won’t lose me, ever”, he said gently. “We’re joined for life. You’re stuck with me, kid”

“You… you mean a lot to me, Ry”, Michael said softly. “and I’m so sorry.”

“What are you sorry for?” Ryan asked.

Michael sighed. “I’m sorry, Ryan” he said again. “It seems like I have a lot of bad habits, and breaking your heart seems to be one of them”

Ryan leaned closer to Michael and gently kissed him. “We’re okay, Mike”, he said. “I told you that.”

Michael finally smiled. “Thanks, Ryan. I just have a lot of things to work on. I know I keep apologizing, and you’re probably sick of it, but I just have to say one more thing.” He paused. “I’m sorry for running. For hurting you. For being an idiot”, Michael said. “I know I fucked up. I do that a lot. I’m trying to fix it, I really am. I just don’t know how.”

Ryan gently pinched Michael’s side. He looked up and into Michael’s sad eyes. “Mike, listen to me”, he said. “I’m not going anywhere. Please believe me when I tell you that. You’re going to be okay, and I’m going to be with you every step of the way.”

Michael nodded as he leaned against Ryan. The room didn’t feel so cold anymore. He leaned over and gently kissed Ryan. “Thank you, Ry. I needed to hear that. Thanks for putting up with me.”

Ryan deepened the kiss. “Anythin’ for you, Mike”, he said. “I mean that.”

Michael leaned back against the pillows and nodded. “Okay”, he said. “Good.”

“Good”, Ryan agreed.

Michael sighed again. “You know”, he began. “When I was in rehab, and even in my therapy now, my therapists encouraged me to tell the important people in my life that… well, tell them how much I care, an’ how much they mean to me an’ stuff… I just want you to know that you… I mean…. I…”

Ryan smiled. “It’s okay, dude”, he said. “I know.” He reached over and gently rubbed Michael’s stomach. His skin felt warm. “I love you, Mike”, he said. “I have always loved you. I want to be with you, and I understand if you’re not ready. I’m not going anywhere. I want to wait for you. I want to be here for you, if you’ll let me. Ryan kissed Michael’s bare chest, and ran his tongue down the length of his torso. He kissed the spot at Michael’s hip where the jut of bone drew his skin taut.

Ryan knew every inch of Michael’s body. He knew every bone, every bend. He knew the spots where Michael loved to be touched, that Michael loved the feeling of a palm against his flat stomach, a soft kiss at his hips where his tattoos peeked out over the waistband of his low-slung jeans made him feel like he could go crazy. Ryan knew which hollows of Michael’s body fit his mouth perfectly.

Michael carded his fingers through Ryan’s hair, and eventually his hands made their way down Ryan’s back. He sank down further onto the bed and his eyes fluttered closed. Ryan unbuttoned Michael’s jeans, and slid them and Michael’s underwear off. When Michael’s dick bobbed free, Ryan flicked his tongue around the head. Michael thrusted further into Ryan’s mouth, as Ryan continued to work him.

Michael sighed. His hips jerked as he dug his nails into Ryan’s back, which was covered with a thin sheen of sweat. Michael felt dizzy, but in a good way. There was a warm feeling pooling in the pit of his stomach. He felt good. Content. Ryan made him feel _wanted_ in a way that he’d never experienced before. His stomach clenched as he tossed his head back against the headboard. “Fuuuuuck”, he groaned.

Ryan laughed. “You good, dude?”

Michael swallowed as he felt his stomach unclench. “Jeah”, he sighed contentedly.

 

***

The next morning, Ryan was getting ready to fly home. The car was waiting for him downstairs. “So, last night?”, Ryan asked tentatively.

Michael nodded. “We’re good”, he said. “I still have a lot going on in my head, but last night was good. I’m in to you, but I don’t want to rush things.”

“Jeah”, Ryan agreed. “Let’s take it one day at a time.”

Michael nodded. “Good idea”, he said. “I’m glad Conor asked you to come here. It was good to see you. He was right. I should have called you a long time ago.”

“It was really good”, Ryan agreed. “Thanks for letting me stay here, Mike.”

Michael smiled. “No problem. Of course”, he said. “We’ll get together again soon, yeah?”

Ryan nodded. “Jeah”, he said, patting Michael’s arm. “It was really good to see you, dude. And you look good. A bit thin, but good. I’m glad you’re doing okay, and that we’re okay.”

Michael gave him a hug. “I’m sorry if it was kind of a weird weekend for you”, he said. I know I’m not the most fun person to hang out with these days.”

Ryan shook his head. “It’s completely fine, Mike. I’m just glad that you’re okay. Stay strong, Bud. Okay?”

“Getting there”, Michael said with a nod. “Thanks again, Ry.”

Ryan smiled. “No problem, man”, he said. “So, I’ll see you soon?”

“Definitely”, Michael agreed.

Ryan was leaning against the wall. He placed a hand on Michael’s shoulder. “One more for the road?”, he asked with a twinkle in his eye.

Michael nodded slowly, and he allowed Ryan to take him by his waist. Wordlessly, he let his body sink into Ryan’s as he gently kissed him. They rocked their hips together as the kiss deepened.

Michael had a stupid grin plastered on his face. It was the kind of silly grin that only people in love can have. He was so happy to be home. He was happy to have Ryan back. Most of all, he was happy just being happy again. “Fuck. Yes”, he said.

Ryan looked into Michael’s wide eyes. Ryan was wearing the same lovestruck grin as Michael. He nodded in agreement. “Jeah”, he said.


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is longer than usual. I kept thinking of things I wanted to add. I was going to separate it into two chapters, but I like how it all fits together, so here's a bonus extra-long chapter for you. :-D Thanks for reading!

After Ryan left, Michael got ready to go to to his therapy appointment. He took a shower, and changed into a new pair of jeans, a blue button-down shirt, and a grey sweater. After his appointment, he was going to Debbie’s house to have dinner with her, Hilary, and Whitney. 

Bob came to pick up him up to drive him to his appointment. When he got in the car, Bob handed him a coffee. It was prepared exactly the way he likes it. French vanilla with two sugars, and just a splash of cream.

“Thanks, Bob”, Michael said with a smile. 

“You’re welcome, kid”, Bob said.

Michael took the coffee and took a sip. “Mmm”, he said approvingly. “Perfect.”

“I’m glad”, Bob said. “How are you?”

Michael nodded. “I’m okay”, he said with a smile. “I’m good. Really good, actually. I had a great talk with Allie yesterday. She helped me with a lot of stuff.”

Bob nodded. “That’s good”, he said. 

“Yeah”, Michael said. “Lauren and Dr. Aldrin have both told me that nurturing important relationships in my life is part of the healing process, and Allie is always a big help when I need to talk things through with someone.”

“That’s great, kiddo”, Bob said. “She really missed you while you were away, you know.”

Michael nodded. “I missed her too. She wrote to me while I was in there. She kept me updated on everything and everyone.”

“I knew she would”, Bob said with a smile.

“I went over to her house yesterday, and she gave me a lot of advice”, Michael said. He was hoping to talk about Ryan, but wasn’t exactly sure how to do that.

“Oh yeah?”, Bob asked.

“Ryan came to see me”, Michael said, figuring that it was best to just say it.

“Oh?” Bob asked again. He was smiling.

Michael nodded. “Yeah”, he said quietly. “Bob?”

Bob glanced at him out of the corner of his eye. “Yes?”, he asked.

Michael folded his hands in his lap and looked down. “I… love him”, he said quietly.

Bob smiled. “I know you do, kid”, he said. “You two knuckleheads are not as discreet as you think you are.”

Michael blushed. “Oh”, he said. “So, if you know about me and Ryan, then you know that I’m…?”

Bob nodded. “It’s okay, Michael”, he said gently. “You know that, right?”

“Yeah”, Michael said with a nod. “Thanks. It’s just hard. Mom doesn’t know. I tell Mom everything.”

“You should tell her”, Bob commented easily, as he pulled up in front of the counseling center and stopped the car. “Have a good session, Michael. I’ll see you in an hour.”

Michael nodded. “Thanks, Bob”, he said. “and thanks for the ride. I’m sorry that the task of being my chauffeur has fallen on you.”

Bob shook his head and smiled. “It’s not a problem, Michael”, he said. “When I’m old and can’t see anymore, you can make it up to me then.”

Michael laughed. “Deal”, he said.

Michael got out of the car and walked into the clinic. He smiled at the receptionist, a recent college graduate named Jenna. “Hey Jenna”, he said cheerfully.

Sarah smiled back at him. “Hey, Mike. Are you here for your 3:30 with Dr. Aldrin?”

Michael nodded. “Yeah”, he said. “I know I’m a little early.”

“It’s no problem”, Sarah said. “His 3:00 cancelled, so he should be ready for you any minute.”

Michael smiled. “Cool”, he said, taking a seat in the waiting room. “Thanks.”

A little while later, Dr. Aldrin came into the waiting room. “Good Afternoon, Michael”, he said. “Come on in.”

Michael followed Dr. Aldrin into his office and sat down.

Dr. Aldrin sat down across from Michael, and smiled. “So, how are you today?”

Michael smiled. “I’m doing really well”, he said, and for the first time in months, he meant it.

“That’s great”, Dr. Aldrin said with a smile. “Did something happen?”

Michael nodded. “Yeah”, he said. “Remember a few weeks ago I told you about Ryan?”

Dr. Aldrin nodded, urging Michael to continue.

“So, after my trial, Conor… my roommate, called Ryan and invited him to come up here. He came, and we talked about some things and…spent some time together. He understands that I want to take things at least a little bit slowly, but we’re working on strengthening what we already have, and just taking it from there. I think that no matter what happens, we’ll be okay.”

Dr. Aldrin nodded. “That’s a great attitude, Michael”, he said. “You sound very hopeful, and it’s good to hear you talking about the future.”

“Thanks”, Michael said with a smile. “For the first time in a long time, I’m really looking forward to whatever the future has to offer me.”

“That’s wonderful, Michael”, Dr. Aldrin said with a smile. “You’ve made great progress. You still have a long way to go, though.”

Michael nodded. “Yeah, I know”, he said.

“How is AA going?”, Dr. Aldrin asked.

Michael sighed. “It’s hard”, he said honestly. “I feel so…exposed. I mean… I’ve stood in front of the world in a tiny speedo, I’ve posed nude, but being in that room, and truly facing the fact that I have a serious disease, I just feel stripped of all my layers. In the end though, I know it will be good for me. I need to do everything I can to get better and improve my life.”

“You’ll get there”, Dr. Aldrin said with a smile. “It’s good that you’re able to admit that it’s hard for you. There’s nothing wrong with that. Just stay strong, and keep talking about things that bother you. You’re going to get through this.”

Michael nodded. “I know”, he said. “I hate feeling so insecure all the time. I hate that I cry all the time now. I’m an emotional guy, but I don’t really like to show that part of me.”

“It’s all a part of the process, Michael”, Dr. Aldrin said. He glanced over at his clock. “So, that’s it for today. I’ll see you next week.”

Michael smiled. “I’ll be here”, he said. “See you then.”

When Michael walked out of the counseling center, Bob was waiting for him. He was picking him up to drive him to Debbie’s house. Michael and his sisters and Debbie were having dinner together. 

“Do you want to stay and eat with us?”, Michael asked. “My mom told me to ask you, but I forgot until now.”

Bob shook his head. “I have other plans tonight”, he said. “but please thank your mother for me.”

Michael nodded. “Okay”, he said. “Thanks for the ride.” He got out of the car, and walked into Debbie’s house.

“Any time, Michael”, Bob said, looking him over carefully. “Talk to your mother, okay?”

Michael forced himself to smile. “Yeah”, he said. “I’m going to tell her tonight after dinner. She’s driving me home after we eat. I’m planning on talking to her about everything then.”

“Good”, Bob said. “See you tomorrow.”

“Hi sweetie”, Debbie said, giving Michael a hug and kissing him on the cheek. “How was your appointment?”

Michael smiled. “It went well”, he said. “Dr. Aldrin is great. We had a really good talk today.”

Debbie nodded. “Good”, She said. “The lasagna will be out of the oven in a few minutes. You hungry?

“I am, actually. It smells amazing, Mom”, Michael said, leaning down and wrapping her in a hug. “Love you, Mom.”

“I love you too, Sweetie, Debbie said.

Things were beginning to feel like they were almost back to normal. Michael had been feeling better and better with each day that went by. He had been sticking to his treatment, and adhering to the terms of his probation. He was swimming every day, and getting ready to compete once his suspension ended. He was grateful to spend a quiet night in with his mother and sisters.

Hilary and Whitney both arrived at the same time. They came into the house, and everyone greeted each other with a hug.

“Hey baby brother”, Whitney said. “How are you?”

Michael grinned. “I’m good, Whit”, he said. “I’m really good.”

“I’m so glad”, Whitney said softly, as she gave him a hug. “How was therapy today?”

“Thank you”, Michael said. “It went really well. It’s getting easier.” 

Hilary stepped towards him. “Hi Mike”, she said. “How was your weekend?”

“It was good”, Michael said with a smile. “Ry was here. We had dinner and watched TV and stuff. It was fun.”

“Cool”, Hilary said with a smirk.

Michael was desperate to change the subject. “So, where’s Doug tonight?”, he asked.

“He had to work late”, Hilary replied. “He said to say hi. He’ll be here for Christmas.”

“Cool”, Michael said. “Tell him hello from me too.”

“So you said that Ry was here?” Whitney interrupted.

“Mm-hmm”, Michael said, hoping that he was hiding his nervousness. “Con invited him. It was fun. We had fun. I hung out with Allie yesterday too.”

“Nice”, Hilary said. “How are she and Conor doing? They’re such a cute couple.”

Michael nodded. “They are”, he said. “It’s nice to see. They’re my best friends, and I’m glad they’re happy. They deserve it, and they work so well together.”

Debbie watched Michael, Hilary, and Whitney as they talked. She wrapped all three of them in a hug. “My three babies”, she said fondly. “I love you all so much.” 

The four of them went into the dining room and sat down to enjoy their dinner together. Debbie cut up the lasagna and served herself, Michael, and Whitney. Hilary had been sticking to her vegan diet, and served herself some salad and grilled tofu.

“Do you need anything else to go with your salad, Hilary?”, Debbie asked. 

Hilary shook her head. “No, this is plenty”, she said with a smile. “Some of the girls and I went out for sandwiches and juice after yoga, and I’m still full.”

“How was yoga today?”, Debbie asked.

Hilary smiled. “It was great”, she said. “It made me feel so energized. Put me in a good mood for the rest of the day.”

Whitney took a big bite of her lasagna. “This is delicious, Mom”, she said. “Very cheesy!”

“Thank you, sweetheart”, Debbie said.

“Verrrry Cheesy!”, Whitney said pointing her fork at Hilary. “Want some cheese, sis?”

Hilary stuck her tongue out at her. “Shut up, sis”, she said good-naturedly.

“Girls”, Debbie said with a laugh. “Behave yourselves!”

“Yeah”, Michael said, laughing. “Behave!”

“Oh, like you’re so perfect?”, Hilary asked with a grin, as she threw a crouton across the table at Michael.

Michael laughed and threw it back. Debbie looked around the table at her three adult children and shook her head. “I give up”, she said with a laugh.

***

After dinner, Hilary and Whitney each left to go home. Debbie was going to drive Michael home, but they both wanted to relax for a little while before leaving. Michael had just finished helping Debbie clean up from dinner. Michael had been thinking a lot about everything that had been happening, and all of the advice that he had received. He decided that he was ready to tell Debbie about Ryan.

They walked into the living room. Michael flopped down onto the couch and sighed happily, and dramatically rubbed his stomach. “That dinner was delicious, Mom”, he said. “I ate so much, I feel like I’m going to burst.”

Debbie sat down next to him and laughed. “I’m glad you liked it, baby”, she said. “It seems like you have your appetite back, and I like seeing you so happy. It’s almost like you’re your old self again.”

Michael nodded. “Yeah”, he agreed. “I’m getting there, at least.”

“And training is going well?”, Debbie asked.

Michael smiled. “It’s going really well”, he said. “I’m glad I was able to swim while I was in rehab. It definitely helped me stay in shape and prepare to get back to training with Bob. I definitely have some more times I want to improve, but I’ll get there. After Mesa, I’ll have a better idea of what I’m ready for, and we can go from there.”

Debbie smiled. “I’m glad you’re doing well, sweetie”, Debbie said. “I’m so proud of you, and how far you’ve come.”

Michael looked over at Debbie. “Thanks”, he said quietly. “Mom? I um… I really have to tell you something.”

Debbie looked at Michael, worry crossing her face. “Of course, sweetie. What is it?”, she asked. She reached over and touched his face, gently cupping his cheek in her hand. “Are you feeling okay?”

Michael took a deep breath. He tried to swallow the lump in his throat. “I feel fine, Mama”, he said softly. “Better than fine, actually. I feel great. I just really need to talk to you about something that’s been on my mind for a while.”

Debbie still looked worried. “Okay. Talk to me, sweetie. What are you thinking about?”

Michael sat down to join her. “Thanks, Mom”, he said, his voice shaking.

“Michael, what’s going on?” She asked again. She sounded so concerned, and Michael felt guilty for making her worry. “Should I be worried?”

Michael took another deep breath. He had always been able to tell Debbie anything that was on his mind, but this time, he was terrified. He felt like a little kid. He closed his eyes for a moment and tried to collect his thoughts. He swallowed the lump in this throat, and blinked away the tears filling his eyes. He kept flashing back to those times when he was a teenager, when the other kids would hold him down and tape his ears to his head. He thought about the things they said to him. Horrible things. The words that made him doubt himself, that made him cry into his pillow at night. “Mom?” he said apprehensively.

Debbie rubbed his back. “Honey, what is it?” she asked. “You can tell me anything. You know that.”

Michael took a deep breath. It was now or never. “I’m gay”, he said.

Debbie smiled. She pulled Michael into a hug. “Oh, sweetie”, she said. “Is that all?”

Michael looked horrified, but he let out a small laugh as he rested his head on her shoulder. “Is that all?” he repeated. “Mom, I’ve been sitting on this for years. You could at least act a little shocked!”

Debbie hugged him tighter, and pinched his cheek. “Michael, I’ve known for a long time”, she said gently. “I always knew there was something different about you, but I was just waiting for you to figure everything out on your own. I love you so much, Baby. Nothing will ever change that. Okay?”

Michael breathed a sigh of relief as he leaned closer to Debbie and smiled. “Okay”, he said. “Thanks, Mommy.”

Debbie looked at Michael with a big smile on her face. “It’s Ryan, isn’t it?”, she asked.

Michael smiled, almost sadly. “Yeah”, he said. “I… I love Ryan. He came to visit after Conor called him and asked him to come. We talked about a few things, but we still have a lot of things to figure out. He knows that I want to take things slowly, but I’m still worried that I’ll screw it up.”

“Ryan loves you, sweetheart. Anyone can see that”, Debbie said. “…and you love him too. Right?”

Michael swallowed. He nodded. “Yes”, he said. “I’ve never loved anyone the way that I love Ryan.”

“Okay”, Debbie said. “You need to tell him that. You both have to work together to nurture and grow the relationship. You’re going to be okay, Michael. And remember, I am always here for you.”

Michael let out another sigh of relief. “Thanks, Mom”, he said with a smile. “I feel a lot better now.”

Debbie nodded and gave him another hug. “You’re welcome”, she said. “These past few months have been hard, but I love you so much, sweetie. You’re going to be okay.”

Michael smiled and leaned on Debbie’s shoulder again. “I love you so much, Mom”, he said. “Thank you for everything.”

“I love you too, Michael.”, Debbie said again. “I hope you talk to Ryan about what’s on your mind, but just know that you don’t have to rush into anything that you’re not ready for.”

Michael nodded. “Yeah I know”, he said. “That’s what Allie said too.”

“But I also don’t want you to give up”, Debbie said, continuing. “because if you give up now, you’re not the boy I raised, the man I know you can be. I just want you to promise me that you won’t run away from anything that’s going to make you happy, because all I want is for you to be happy.”

“I promise”, Michael replied. He smiled, and wiped away a tear that was rolling down his cheek.

“Good”, Debbie said, as she leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. “Are you ready to go home?”

Michael nodded. “Yeah”, he said. “I have an early morning workout tomorrow, so I should probably get some sleep.”

***

After Debbie dropped him off at his house, he went inside and poured himself a glass of water, and sat down on the couch. He pulled his phone out of his pocket, and started to type out a text message. Then he realized that what he wanted to say would be better through a real phone call.

Ryan picked up after a few rings. “Mike!”, Ryan said cheerfully. “What’s up? Do you miss me already?”

Michael paused. “There’s something that I didn’t say to you before you left, that I should have said.”, he said.

“Oh yeah?”, Ryan asked casually. “What’s that?”

“I love you, dude”, Michael said, with more confidence than he’d felt in a long time.

Ryan was smiling. Michael could hear it in his voice. “Well, that… is very good news”, Ryan said. “because I love you too.”

“I love you, and I want us to be together”, Michael said. “If you’re willing to put up with my crap, I want to see if we can make this work.”

“Jeah?”, Ryan asked.

“Jeah”, Michael agreed.


	25. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter skips to 2016, and the POV switches from third person to Michael's POV. I wanted him to tell the rest of the story.

July 2016 - (Michael’s POV)

I’ve been through a lot over the last few years. I’ve put my family and friends through a lot. In some ways, time has passed quickly, but in other ways, my DUI, and the events that followed, feel like ages ago. I still go to therapy every week, and it’s one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself. My daily workouts have put me in the best shape of my life, and now the Rio Olympics are upon us. My fifth Olympics. I’m so excited, and nervous, and happy. And of course, I have waited until the last minute to pack.

I was trying to fit a few more things into my already over-stuffed suitcase. Typical of him, Ryan’s belongings were all over the house, so he was running back and forth between the living room, the office, and our bedroom. 

In some couples, there’s one organized person, and one scatterbrained person. With us, we’re both the scatterbrain. It’s a good thing we both have mothers and sisters who are super-organized and keep us in line. Well, they try. Ryan and I are hopeless. I’ll admit that. Ryan won’t, but that’s another story.

 

“Ryan?” I called from the bedroom, “Have you seen my speedo with the palm trees on it? I don’t want to forget it!”

Ryan came into the room and made a face at me. He shook his head and rolled his eyes. “I can’t believe you still have that thing!” he exclaimed.

“I need it for good luck!”, I protested.

Ryan stood behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist. His fingertips worked my stomach through my shirt. I placed my hands on top of his and sighed happily, as I leaned back, allowing my body to melt into into his. “I thought I was your good luck charm, baby”, he breathed in my ear.

I turned around and swatted him with the towel I was holding. “You can’t be my good-luck charm if you’re the competition!”, I pointed out with a laugh. “Now where is it? I know you hid it again.”

Ryan pulled the speedo out of his back pocket and rolled his eyes. “Here you go, you fucking dork”, he said with a laugh. He stuck his tongue out at me. “I was hoping you’d forget.”

“Never”, I said with a smile, as I shoved it into the front pocket of my suitcase. I turned around to kiss my boyfriend. He’s such a pain in the ass, but he’s _my_ pain in the ass. After everything that’s happened in the last few years, sometimes I wonder how I got so lucky.

“You ready?”, Ryan asked me.

I took a deep breath. “Yup”, I said. “Let’s go.

“Last one?”, Ryan asked me, a slight twinkle in his eye.

I smiled and shrugged. “I said that four years ago, and look where it led us. I’m not saying yes or no either way this time. Who knows what the future will bring?”

“Fair enough”, Ryan replied, as he slung his arm around my shoulders. We picked up our luggage and walked outside to meet the car waiting to take us to the airport. Our flight to Rio was leaving in just a few hours.

 

***

There’s a bulletin board in the office next to the bedroom. My goal sheets are tacked up front and center, right where I can always see them. Next to them, I put up a piece of paper where I have written five dates. The date of my first DUI, back when I was nineteen, the date of my second DUI, the day I left for rehab, the day I came home, and the day Ryan asked me to marry him. I keep it there as a reminder of the things that I’ve experienced - both good and bad, the challenges I’ve faced, and the road ahead.

There are a lot of people in my life who care about me, and I’m so grateful for them. I don’t know if I’d be here today if it weren’t for the support that they provided me during what was the toughest time of my life. 

Last year, Ryan, Conor, Allison and I took a trip to Alaska together. We got to see the Northern Lights, and it is one of the most beautiful sights that I have ever seen. I’m working my way through the goal sheet that I made with Lauren back in Arizona two years ago. One of my favorite experiences was talking to a local high school about being safe on the night of their prom. I did that the first time I was arrested for a DUI, but I think my words had more of an impact the second time around. At least I hope so. I want to help other people learn from my mistakes. I’m working on writing a book about my personal struggles and my road to recovery, but the writing and editing is a long process. I hope that I can sit down and do some serious work on it when I get home from the Olympics.

The road to recovery is a long one. Nothing about these past several years has been easy. Looking back, I can see how far I’ve come. I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished, but I know that the road ahead is still long. Nowadays, the light at the end of the tunnel seems less like an oncoming train, and more like something that resembles hope. With the love and support of my family, friends, and Ryan, who is the best fiancee anyone can ask for, I know that I can get through anything.


End file.
